Today, I had to go tree shopping with my dad and some of his work buddies. It hit its lowest point when one loudly told us about a crap handjob he got recently. "I mean yeah, choke the cock," he said, "but don't choke it to DEATH, nam'sayin'?" I'd never wanted to just drop dead more. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML
Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML
Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I attended a family gathering where everyone was taking turns sharing exciting life updates. When it was my turn, I proudly announced that I'd finally mastered the art of adulting... only for my dad to pipe up with, "Makes a change from when you used to wank like a gibbon thinking we couldn't hear you up there." FML
Today, I was in the "getting to know you" phase of dating a guy I recently met. We were talking about our families and I mentioned my dad died when I was young. He blurted out, “So, we get to have some of that kinky daddy issue sex then, huh?” I’m not sure if he was joking or not but still… FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML
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Top comments
Nyx_fml 23
*sees location* Maybe this person was trying to choke it to death in order to make some Kentucky Fried ****.
Rainhawk94 27
Maybe he should loosen his grip on his right hand next time
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Comments (65)
tombeardo 17
I wish I weren't a bellend
Somuchart 3
'Tis the season
incoherentrmblr 22
Sounds like the Griswold men are reflecting on their sexual encounters...
Nyx_fml 23
*sees location* Maybe this person was trying to choke it to death in order to make some Kentucky Fried ****.
Lomus 24
That was terrible. I get it, but it's terrible.
friedpwnadge 25
I think that Frank Purdue might have more experience choking cocks than many of us do.
Gingerette 8
At the stake of getting downvoted, I just want to say I don't understand what any of the above comments mean.
ItalianChaos 14
Go Murica.
Xkillz302 10
Stroke it dont choke it
Adm_Twigs 19
I'd fit right in! you could learn alot from these guys!
BntyHntrSeattle 30
A lot about what NOT to say if said guy wants to settle down, nam'sayin'?
synsam 4
ya I'm with you. that group sounds like the type of guys you could have a beer and watch the game with. they also sound like the type that won't run away when you get caught in a fight...
LifeOfAnRN 18
OP is a girl.
i_wuz_nver_here 31
Well it's his fault for being ambiguous with his instructions
MichellinMan 20
The South at its finest.
ElementaryEdGuy 18
Kentucky's not even a Southern state. It's part of the Appalachian Highlands. It didn't even secede in the Civil War.
MichellinMan 20
^ Just for your information, I wrongly assumed it was indeed the South simply because of the way that sentence was put together and the fact that they're talking about handjobs openly. Yes, it was a stupid joke, and it was pretty rude. I aplogize for my ignorance.
fucMyLifeSoHard 18
33- Well, thanks for assuming that everyone from the south is a stupid redneck that only talks about botched handjobs and the such. You show such intelligence.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I don't know about you guys, but every time I think of the South, "haggard hand job", is the first thought that comes to mind. It's common knowledge that all those beautiful Southern bells are horrible at the art of the infamous hand job. Now blow jobs, well let's just say that accent of theirs must really work out their tongue muscles..
kitcatjb 12
I'm from wisconsin and we talk about bad handjobs all the time. It's not only a southern thing.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I was definitely joking, haha. Bad hand jobs are an epidemic that sweeps the entire globe. I'm quite surprised anyone would take my comment literally. I'm from Pennsylvania. The callused hands belonging to those cute Amish gals certainly aren't a treat for my "heavenly wood". Haha..
RedPillSucks 33
What? People up north don't give handjobs? Because... Because their hands are too damn cold? I guess either a good ********, or a hand job with an oven mitt fresh from the dryer is more their speed?
Enslaved 38
"Here they come to snuff the rooster"
67FML 5
Sounds like his life might suck more than yours---depending on what damage all that choking caused.....
Irchell 17
Boys will be boys?
cheernomore15 14
hiding in estrogen and wearing aubergine dreams?
RandomHavoc1 13
i love you for the patd reference.
The_Tenth_Doctor 14
Such a nice conversation.
bernardbrown 7
Take notes, OP