Today, I had to go tree shopping with my dad and some of his work buddies. It hit its lowest point when one loudly told us about a crap handjob he got recently. "I mean yeah, choke the cock," he said, "but don't choke it to DEATH, nam'sayin'?" I'd never wanted to just drop dead more. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML
Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML
Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I attended a family gathering where everyone was taking turns sharing exciting life updates. When it was my turn, I proudly announced that I'd finally mastered the art of adulting... only for my dad to pipe up with, "Makes a change from when you used to wank like a gibbon thinking we couldn't hear you up there." FML
Today, I was in the "getting to know you" phase of dating a guy I recently met. We were talking about our families and I mentioned my dad died when I was young. He blurted out, “So, we get to have some of that kinky daddy issue sex then, huh?” I’m not sure if he was joking or not but still… FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML
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Top comments
Nyx_fml 23
*sees location* Maybe this person was trying to choke it to death in order to make some Kentucky Fried ****.
Rainhawk94 27
Maybe he should loosen his grip on his right hand next time
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Comments (65)
SMHsohard 22
And where was your father during this delightful discourse? Mine would have been sharpening his axe, and NOT for cutting down a tree.
UnluckyJulie 13
Jesus! What father would let his friends talk that way around his daughter?
toniash 3
Maybe he just shouldn't ********** when he's angry. I'm sure with a mouth like that he doesn't get any ..
perdix 31
If this is the kind of talk that comes up during tree-shopping, you may want to opt out when the go out looking for bush.
intensitive 11
What the hell kind of father allows people to like that in front of their daughter?
bushada 18
Some people just don't know how to act in public.
Hurmbifrum 14
It always helps to carry an iPod/phone and headphones when with middle-aged men. They tend to be somewhat immature and uncaring of who they say what to.
Zebediabolical 45
You should listen carefully. These tips will help you later in life!
worldclassrager 41
Some men have no respect for woman...if you were a boy I could maybe make sense of the comment but seriously that shouldn't be spoken with a woman around...
diaspora_fml 26
Unlike boys, the delicate flower of womanhood is much too weak to survive audible language? Are you sure you should be making statements in the convalescence of your feminine life? Perhaps you misunderstood when you were given permission to speak.
sammyjo06 14
Wow. My father would never have a conversation like that with his friends, let alone in front of his daughter...