Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my best friend to see her dad in hospital. While they were talking in another room about his care, he took his last lucid words before his death. I was the only one there and I'd never even met him before. FML
Today, my dad decided to take his medicine before eating. He passed out with his face in a plate of chocolate cake. He wasn't responsive so I called the paramedics. When he got to the hospital, the doctor asked him if he knew why he was there. He replied, "Because my stupid daughter overreacted." FML
Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML
Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML
Today, my dad told me, in the form of a soliloquy, to have a better attitude about death and dying. I have terminal cancer. FML
Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML
Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML
Today, my mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk. Towards the end, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. As I came back, I overheard my dad telling my mom that I'm so unpopular, the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin. FML
Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh, apparently. FML
Today, my dad asked my mom to flash him. He didn't forget I was in the room, he just couldn't be bothered to wait. My mom obliged. FML
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Top comments
Plop 17
Actually, wouldn't the widow be the next of kin in this case? I guess it depends on whom OP's dad gave the motorboating rights to in his will.
RichardPencil 32
You should lie to your mother. And then tell the nurse of your dad's dying wish. Seeing that you are next of kin, maybe she'll grant it to you. If it were me, I'd say boobs instead of ass, butt that's just me.
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Comments (4)
RichardPencil 32
You should lie to your mother. And then tell the nurse of your dad's dying wish. Seeing that you are next of kin, maybe she'll grant it to you. If it were me, I'd say boobs instead of ass, butt that's just me.
Plop 17
Actually, wouldn't the widow be the next of kin in this case? I guess it depends on whom OP's dad gave the motorboating rights to in his will.
RichardPencil 32
Maybe, but how is she going to benefit from the motorboating (unless there's more to know about the widow)? In our current patriarchal system, the oldest son is next of kin for items like these.
Rake 18
I can't believe they still allow this type of comment. Suggesting to sexually harass someone is simply not funny. It's hurtful, and disrespectful to people who went through exactly what you jokingly describe.
Grizz8831 14
understanding medical professionals see and deal with medicated, and otherwise not in their right mind patient's, I think most understand this sort of thing is a blip in their thinking. And most I have met tend to simply laugh off this sort of remark or many actions of such patients knowing if they were in better shaoe they would never do or say this. the nurse would probably laugh at the story. and Yes for sure lie to the widow about it, there is no reason to make them feel worse than they already do. it helps no one.
Rake 18
Life is not a romantic comedy. People are not always clear in their head right before going to a comma. It sucks, but you did the right thing.
IHaveThePower 18
You're a good man. Take it to the grave and just remember that whomever awaits your dad in the next life probably gave him a slap upside the head for that...