Today, I had to go tree shopping with my dad and some of his work buddies. It hit its lowest point when one loudly told us about a crap handjob he got recently. "I mean yeah, choke the cock," he said, "but don't choke it to DEATH, nam'sayin'?" I'd never wanted to just drop dead more. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML
Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML
Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I attended a family gathering where everyone was taking turns sharing exciting life updates. When it was my turn, I proudly announced that I'd finally mastered the art of adulting... only for my dad to pipe up with, "Makes a change from when you used to wank like a gibbon thinking we couldn't hear you up there." FML
Today, I was in the "getting to know you" phase of dating a guy I recently met. We were talking about our families and I mentioned my dad died when I was young. He blurted out, “So, we get to have some of that kinky daddy issue sex then, huh?” I’m not sure if he was joking or not but still… FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML
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Top comments
Nyx_fml 23
*sees location* Maybe this person was trying to choke it to death in order to make some Kentucky Fried ****.
Rainhawk94 27
Maybe he should loosen his grip on his right hand next time
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Comments (65)
zoepie 7
That's ******* gross, **** your life OP.
Pleonasm 36
Cocks: now with lungs. Maybe "********" actually make sense now.
Sputnikspak 13
It's basically just mouth to mouth for your dick.
ThatFancyPenn 18
Well Merry Christmas :-)
Rainhawk94 27
Maybe he should loosen his grip on his right hand next time
RedPillSucks 33
He's left handed. That was his mothers right hand.
shhhaaarrron 12
That sounds like an awkward situation. Sorry you had to hear that OP
Readoll 13
he was totally lying... Too much exaggeration
Jemm_fml 29
No matter what, that's se seriously inappropriate talk a man's friends should be having around his kids. I hope you're at least an adult, that would make it only a little less obscene... but still... ugh.
MzZombicidal 36
This story reminds me of my high school graduation. My dead beat "dad" showed up, after having just come back into my life and decided to tell me each and every classmate of mine that he'd like to bang. Hopefully OP's dad at least tried to halt that disgusting talk around his kid. Even when they're older, I can't see how some parents would be comfortable having them hear that.
sexysaltshaker 11
Could've been on about the bird? Ok, no?
outoftown 27
What kind of dad allows such talk around his daughter?! Oh, yours. FYL, OP.
koolkool994 28
Thank god my dad is not like that!
speakersboom 19
my mom doesn't have that much of a filter, too, OP. the first time she let me wear skinny jeans, I hid behind a tee shirt rack while she told the lady at the counter "I don't like them. that show off her ******". or when she said leggings were whory because it looked like someone "spraypainted my goods and put them on display". I feel your pain, OP.
koolkool994 28
My nan & her boyfriend are awful when I it comes to filters, sometimes it is really funny & sometimes it's just hurtful...