Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML
Today, I realised I may have some kind of problem, given that I masturbate daily, and sex with my wife no longer interests me because it takes too long, involves her instead of me alone, is too much hard work, and generally annoys me. FML
Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML
Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML
Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML
Today, after years of impotence, I woke up with a raging boner. I was so happy until I remembered my wife divorced me last year because of my impotence. This depressed me so much that I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to masturbate, and the boner went bye bye, never to return. FML
Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML
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Top comments
Juneyah1017 9
.... Find a man! It shouldn't be hard if you want sex.
keverdeen 14
Maybe it's time to invest in a toy.
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Comments (134)
perdix 31
You need to invest the time and effort to learn effective manual self-stimulation. That could really . . . *lowers sunglasses* come in handy.
Kn0wledge123 21
YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
redbluegreen 41
Get out.
FlyingLeumer 19
Did you just tell the almighty Perdix to get out? Shame! Shame! Shame! He might smite you, you better watch out.
perdix 31
#65, thanks, but redgreenblue is also an FML immortal, except here she is being like Daedalus pushing poor perdix from a tall tower because she's jealous that I spanked that "lowers sunglasses" pun so hard. I trust Athena and the thumb army to save me.
FlyingLeumer 19
I have noticed you've lowered your sunglasses quite a bit lately, please, try not to get a sunburn!
perdix 31
#72, oh, that's just a coincidence. I just use the sunglasses when it "feels right" and it just so happened that it has felt right a few times in the past couple of days. I've gone for weeks without them and I don't need to go to any more LSGA* meetings. *Lowers Sun Glasses Anonymous
tacojauns 45
Haha I just imagine op yelling at himself "FASTER, FASTER GOD DAMIT!"
tacojauns 45
*herself
perdix 31
#17, hmmmm, gender dysphoria could be part of the problem.
Enslaved 38
It all starts with the mind.
biscuitninja 4
Ouch... maybe invest in a toy and a boyfriend.... one is MUCH cheaper than the other. Choose wisely.
Ryodin 11
Yeah. The boyfriend is much cheaper. He increases your budget by buying you tons of stuff. Including the aforementioned toy(s).
RedPillSucks 33
Yeah, but she really wanted the Harry Potter wand.
JasonUMN 15
I am so disappointed no one has commented, "I'll lend you a hand" yet.
FlyingLeumer 19
I'll lend you a hand.
yaozeyu 4
I'll lend you a dick.
cottoncandymango 17
Find a dick.
perdix 31
.
WhiteCrimson 23
Well said.
perdix 31
It would probably work if you got your hand to take you to dinner and a movie first. Maybe some dancing and a few drinks. A girl wants to be romanced. If it gives you a beautiful ring, be suspicious of its motives.
revolution4ever 14
It's been awhile, hasn't it? I suggest finding a handyman to fix your problem.
gary3768 13
I know somebody already said this and I agree with them. Most the time it's a mind thing
Kn0wledge123 21
Time for a bf or at least a toy. You could borrow the "wand" from the other FML.