Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I broke the news to my parents that we're having a baby. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "It's probably not yours." FML
Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML
Today, I found out I’m gonna be a father. Apparently, my ex-girlfriend’s arm implant didn’t work this one time we had sex during our closure talk. Now I’m stuck having a baby with a girl I don’t even love anymore, and I have figure out how to explain this to my current girlfriend, who I do love. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that my ex is pregnant, but not to worry because it’s not mine. That’s how I inadvertently told her I’ve been cheating on her with my ex. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
It was most likely immaculate conception and you could be the step-dad of The Messiah. Stick around -- there are probably nice perks for hanging out with the Lord.
weeping_willow 25
Actually, even if you’re unable to impregnate or be impregnated you should still wear protection to prevent STD and STI’s. Juuust to be safe.
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Comments (8)
jbuckets_404 39
Good luck finding a woman truly of worth and with more than just a modicum [Pun not intended - at first - lol.] of intelligence, OP! :-)
RichardPencil 32
It was most likely immaculate conception and you could be the step-dad of The Messiah. Stick around -- there are probably nice perks for hanging out with the Lord.
Wadlaen 24
He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
EmDizzle2007 28
I knew what this was gonna say before I even opened the notification. I've heard this song before.
Wadlaen 24
Sorry both by losing your testicles and now your girl!😕
julfunky 29
Why is this downvoted?
sxdryv 14
umm so do you still cum bro?
Sarah Kryski-Kenny 3
Yes. It’s the prostate gland that produces semen. It wouldn’t contain any swimmers. He’s shooting blanks.
kittykitty2802 11
Why did you not check for stuff. Idiot
maiyapapaiya13 9
Tell her you want to do a DNA test to see if it’s really yours or you’re leaving her. She knows it’s not yours so she’ll freak and admit it.