Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML
Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex, asking if I would go out with him tonight. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML
Today, after two months of being broken up, and my ex still insisting she hadn't been cheating on me, I declared via text my intention to burn the rest of her stuff in the yard. This resulted in the guy she "hadn't been cheating on me with" kicking in my door. FML
Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML
Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled, "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML
Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML
Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
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Top comments
bengermin 5
Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!
MelissaRoo2 6
You should smear it on his car.
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Comments (155)
That_Korean_Kid 4
Lol! Asscricket
theanimepanda 4
Mommy, what's an asscricket?
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Refer to 25 :P
MsConfusedd 27
When a man and a woman hate each other very much....
Kiki242 19
You should throw shit on his face!
ALpein 0
Now THIS is assult.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
Ha, ASSault. Get it, cause...oh never mind.
caesari 14
Word of the day- asscricket.
fleurie 6
Lol @ " asscricket"
AlexaWuzHere 31
Was he expecting a yes? I mean come on, he asked you out by text, and cheated on you last time. I hope you went outside and smeared it on his face.
olpally 33
Love the username op!! Looks like your caps lock got stuck for a good reason!! What a piece of shit ex-boyfriend....wow.. Call the cops and have him arrested for a being a psycho dick ******.
Korra_fml 23
lmao misread that as "psycho duck ******"... thats what i get for losing my glasses... but if this guy would do something as gross as play with dog crap, maybe he would do something as gross as violating a poor little ducky
FranzFerdinand 18
Well, at least you hope it's dog shit… clingy people do some weird things to mark their territory. FYL, hope you called the police since that's actually really messed up.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Asscricket: A cricket of any variety that chooses to dwell in the bowels and anal canal of a human. Also known as an "Asshopper".
michybean 5
You win :D
AznSamoan52 10
I just learned a new word!!!! From now on, I'm going to be using the word "asscricket".