Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML
Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex, asking if I would go out with him tonight. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML
Today, after two months of being broken up, and my ex still insisting she hadn't been cheating on me, I declared via text my intention to burn the rest of her stuff in the yard. This resulted in the guy she "hadn't been cheating on me with" kicking in my door. FML
Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML
Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled, "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML
Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML
Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
bengermin 5
Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!
MelissaRoo2 6
You should smear it on his car.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (155)
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Betwee asscricket and that username I'm almost in tears. :D But seriously OP, call the cops like veryone is saying; that's trespassing and vandalism and perhaps even stalking. Gross.
getyourgeekon 8
Asscricket is now my new insult of the month. And he is an asscricket. Some might even call him an asscockroach.
Amezy 9
Asscricket- epic word.
wisecatlady123 11
Asscricket... Well that's a new one
AlkaliSam 6
ASSCRICKET?! Ummmm ... I'd respond otherwise but I cannot get past this particular epithet.
Altazor 4
u need to go out with nice guys instead of friend zoning
michybean 5
Or scratch asscricket in the paint ;)
hateevryone 15
Asscricket- Nice one. Call the police on his psycho ass.
FluckeryBoreDumb 4
ASSCRICKET. GENIUS. Someone should trend that.
SammySixx98 2
Psycho really does fit the discription you gave of him.