Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML
Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex, asking if I would go out with him tonight. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML
Today, after two months of being broken up, and my ex still insisting she hadn't been cheating on me, I declared via text my intention to burn the rest of her stuff in the yard. This resulted in the guy she "hadn't been cheating on me with" kicking in my door. FML
Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML
Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled, "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML
Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML
Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
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Top comments
bengermin 5
Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!
MelissaRoo2 6
You should smear it on his car.
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Comments (155)
iamsolid 11
Hehe...asscrickets.
TheyCallMeDamien 18
I bet he still wonders why you won't say yes and is blaming you for that too.
awitchwithawand 5
Psycho was defiantly the right term to use o.O
Bebbo_fml 21
Op i hope you took a picture of that. You could then charge him with vandalism and get a restraining order.
green2go 14
If you live in Texas. You have the legal right to shoot him and kill him at night
Dixbfloppin 11
I'm sorry OP, but that truly is the best username I've ever seen on this site.
neuroticallyyour_fml 17
I can always count on FML to supply me with new and ingenious variations on common insults/swears to call my own psycho ex. One more reason I love this site.
Korra_fml 23
asscricket... thats one ive never heard before... lol call the cops on him
outoftown 27
Gotta go with the commenters who say call the cops. Bet they have a sheet on the guy; OP can have them update it to add "asscricket" to his aliases.
JimBeam420 0
U shoulda sad yes and let him catch u cheating lmao