Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML
Today, I finally got over having constipation for two days straight. It came in the form of a normal-sized, rock-hard turd that made me scream "Ow!" when it came out. FML
Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns, and it hurts to sit. FML
Today, it's been a week that I've had bad constipation. Overeating on my 16th birthday last week got me sick; since then I've pooped only once, and it took a hard push to go it out. Today I had my second poop. Good news: I did go. Bad: it happened on the bus home from school. My pals actually cheered when I finished straining. FML
Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML
Today, I've realized that I have two modes: Constipated, or ultra explosive diarrhea. FML
Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML
Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML
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Top comments
Weezay 5
Lmfao!
Vulpes21 6
Did you finish before posting this. Or are you like a war correspondent on the front lines?
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Comments (315)
Weezay 5
Lmfao!
Andr913 13
With emphasis on the "ass off."
DontModMeDammit 10
Nothing better than FML to pass time on the can.
logan1819 4
I see what you did there
Chaith 16
I've become pretty immune to FML's after reading so many since the website came out, but yeah, this one is a 'LMFAO' worthy one. Insta-favourite, haha.
HahaHokayThen 10
Anyone else notice it says "can't" twice?
SoccerGod234 0
"I fell into a burning ring of fire. I went down, down, down, and the flames got higher."
yandizzle 0
Damn what kind of "special bread" did you eat?
urdirtyolduncle 15
And that's how it feels to get it up the ass the first time.
kkillaj 5
43 why do u wana know? O_O
Denikk 0
That awesome moment when you are reading this on the toilet, and you are thankful that you can shit juuuust fine...
JiggaJayZ 16
68- I'm INFJ too!! Thought that was interesting that someone would put that on FML.
TunechiXXL 0
35 - what else would Johnny Cash be singing about?! Of course that song was made because of Montezuma's Revenge.....
_Oblivion_ 12
Puts a whole new meaning to the phrase "rip you a new asshole"
leogirl95 12
Anyone else noticed that OP put two "can't"s?
youcrazybasturd 0
Maybe he has constipation. Jerk.
Damn_Hippster 11
Did anyone else start to sing the "ring of fire" after reading this?
sjlove13elf 0
This reminds me of 'sittin' on the toliet' xD
AmongstTheFaces 5
I was on the toilet taking a load off when I read this.
Kirlyfoo 9
Bro me too!... Damn i need to flush
IStoleTheCookies 16
LOL 128 If you are talking about the YouTube video of a black woman singing that, then I am so with you. That makes me laugh all the time!
taydeezy 0
me too... i am as of now on the toilet doing it
wlddog 14
I too am a FML toilet reader. There should be a club.
Krysk_fml 0
Wait if he has been crapping out a weeks worth of food and he's still going, shouldn't the toilet have filled up by now?
Metal_Chick 15
Curtesy flush! Curtesy flush!
x_Gainer_x 6
AMEN!!!!!
may651 14
Ummmm ewww that sucks.
crymore007 11
yeah that's probably the most disgusting thing I've read in a while. **** your life op
icrest80 4
Do you know what sucks? Cancer, that sucks.
SFDEXPLORA 0
You know what else sucks, a vacuum cleaner
sougstad 7
Babies also suck, they're mothers ninnies of course!
dcg1375 7
You know what else sucks, a $10 *****
urdirtyolduncle 15
You know what suc------ C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!!
CockAsian 14
You know what also sucks? Diabetes..
LolAtYourFail 12
You know what else sucks? #2's comment.
deviable 9
Black hole.
DarkSeekerX94446 14
You know what else sucks? A ring of fire.
Jaxx66 21
You know what doesn't suck? Not being able to feel your asshole. That must be pretty damn nice after what happened. You don't want to feel it after that much constipation!
j_cat187 20
You know what also sucks, your mom
may651 14
I understands how op feels. :/
melrose90210 10
That's just horrible.
DrMime 10
I was going to make an anal sex joke, butt **** it.
bargarlm 2
Yeah.... thanks for the image -.-
IAdminIFlow 0
oh damn after the ring of fire and the numb asshole comes the southwestern curry farting, oh it burns more than tabasco in ur ass
hamncheeseinit 6
He better have flushed every five minutes lol
MuziKMajoR 5
Just let it out
ImInYourFACEbook 8
*Rubs knuckles* Sorry 87, it had to be done.
lylotrezor 20
158 why on earth would you put tabasco in your arse? XD DX
Jaxx66 21
Not really horrible. I have an impacted bowl. OP consider yourself lucky that you can't feel it. For a whole day every 10 days I can't even sit.... I wish I went numb!
UrAverageBrat 10
That sucks. Hopefully you feel better.
that1guyyy 12
I'm typing this while taking a dump.
Hollandiscrazy 12
Me too! XD
maryam8869 7
me too :|
kooochris1995 14
Me too!! (:
toenibbler 14
So many people sh*tting!
Inediblepeaches 15
92- Well yea, what else would you do when you take a dump?
Manveer 0
Isn't everyone taking a dump?
urdirtyolduncle 15
People say I'm full of shit, which is why I'm constantly taking a dump!!
DKjazz 20
142- Aren't we all, in a cosmic sense, taking a dump?
AnagenisisZagus 13
Well, isn't life just one big dump?
Coxkblock 0
Me too!
gary_bush2000 2
How do u message on here
SkoomaKi 28
Look at the bright side, you can't feel it stretching your asshole to drop into the toilet ^.^
akallaan 7
"Sounds like a shitty situation!" I went ahead and got that overused pun out of the way.
The_Troller 14
What about "that stinks"? Oh wait, I just said it.
DrMime 10
Actually 'shitty situations' is the brother of Jack shit, who then later married Noe shit and had six kids: Hollie shit, bull shit, Fulla shit, Giva shit and the two twins, deep shit and dip shit. Dip shit then married Dumb shit (a highschool drop out) and had a daughter 'Whatthe shit', who then married Mr.Sherlock Holmes. Giving birth to their firstborn 'Noshit Sherlock'. Later, Fulla shit and Giva shit married the Happens brothers, it was a double wedding. (AKA, the shit happens wedding).
Sonalis 9
+100 internets to you, 52.
drawmesunshine 17
Also, Jack has a Daughter named Tuhna Shit. She was disowned because she married a black man, Chicken Shit.
dominic1221 6
heard that one before 52, olllddd joke. Be original next time, geeze.
laden_swallow09 35
So the hell what? It's still a good 'un.
bfsd42 20
52 would have been funny if he used real first names. Since he didn't, it was just a bad attempt at being funny.
The_Troller 14
I don't even know what to say
The_Troller 14
To 72, that is. The damn app crashed when I went to edit.
PYLrulz 17
52 - I dont think it's every day a reply to a post can get as many thumbs up as one of the first few posts of a FML. Great one! LMAO
DrMime 10
It's better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt, however... This IS the internet...
alexup24 13
52, you're a ******* genius
Vulpes21 6
Did you finish before posting this. Or are you like a war correspondent on the front lines?
Zaros_fml 24
I wish I could thumbs up this comment 100 times
eb0ny 15
AHAHAHAHA
asherm 15
Hilarious!!!
cheerbabe3254 4
Well that sucks!!!'
cBlackout 13
Just like your comment!!!
awagh666 14
That load can block an entire sewage line.
firefighterjohn 9
ready for anal sex?
ICATiger 13
My bodies ready Jack.
DrMime 10
Anal sex can actually help relieve constipation! The thrusting upward can loosen everything up via a process I like to call 'Anal smoothie blending'. Be careful though, they're not strawberry flavored!
missamerica95 0
Anal smoothie blending? What the hell?
DrMime 10
Honestly I don't know. Sometimes I just speak whatever's on my mind.
tigrouficele2012 44
@38: Because we all needed to know that. Couldn't have gone another minute unaware that anal sex can relieve constipation, that's for sure... On the bright side, you just motivated me to start all this work due tomorrow that I keep putting off, just to get that image out of my head. :D
flashback.miss 28
hahahha, 11
niznor99 6
From the windows.... To the wall. To the sweat drippin' down my balls.
sougstad 7
Sounds pretty gay indeed
Llamacod 11
#38, don't forget the benefit of what I like to call "semen enema"
j_cat187 20
59 look up oil spill