Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
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Top comments
Skylae 14
I'm just wondering .. What did you cook ?
kurodansei 16
It's not that OP can't cook, OP just has a talent for biological warfare.
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Comments (121)
Skylae 14
I'm just wondering .. What did you cook ?
euphoricness 28
Poop nuggets!
cakefete2 31
Homestyle taco bell. Apparently, OP succeeded.
feelingold 18
15 for the win
Testing1234 25
dude that's racist
Testing1234 25
dude that's racist
Testing1234 25
#11 its shit nuggets not poop nuggets
Sunflower1919 19
I can't help but wonder why he didn't wait for it to finish before jumping in the shower for a two hour cycle of shit and wash.
daniel_2209 12
I wonder if OP can ever feel his asshole?
TunaFireStarter 16
Maybe it felt better or have him some relief to have the water running on him? I would think it would up to a certain point. Two hours is quite long though.
Testing1234 25
#15 dude that's racist
HockeyPlayerLife 13
#38 how exactly?
the_truth_lives 9
A pan with some remaining soap on it will do that for you.
Danne696 14
That would be useful to know if you're having people you hate over for dinner.
CatchMe25 16
To everyone wondering why he jumped in the shower....since he said he got in the shower after mentioning that he'd run out of toilet paper I'm fairly certain that the two are related. OP ran out of toilet paper but was still a spewing fountain and had no choice but to jump in the shower. That's what I read anyways.
daisylokes 16
I'm assuming the water soothed his ass hole during his explosive diarrhea... ouch
kalwalls 18
i had food poisening a couple weeks ago, it's a pain in the ass lol. this FML needs a follow up, i want to know what was cooked!
PageantGirlXOXO 16
"Gushing fountains of crap..." Good description. Helps me imagine it. A+
daniel_2209 12
**** you
Welshite 40
Wrong bidet!
Kainen 2
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
We've all been there!
bettyxoxo 11
No, we actually haven't...
Genociiide 15
I have but it was my mom's cooking. I went into work, because they didn't believe me, for about 30mins before i was sent home due to throwing up. they believe me when I say I'm sick now.
rocker_chick23 27
#3 my father was a chef and he taught me how to cook. No I have never given myself or anyone else food poisoning.
hippyhopgirl 9
We've all had explosive diarrhea...well, not for 2 hours straight. But still.
kurodansei 16
It's not that OP can't cook, OP just has a talent for biological warfare.
AnOriginalName 19
So, combining this with all the replies about homemade Taco Bell, does that mean that the corporation of Taco Bell is actually a terrorist, just biding its time until it unleashes its wrath and takes over the world?
tiernang 21
No, Taco Bell has its customers unleash their wrath.
Michael903 18
I guess this is a lesson you won't forget anytime soon
Vahex 19
Sounds like you made home made Taco Bell :)
cakefete2 31
Yo quiero ta... Toilet!
Pancakes017 19
I guess we should leave the Mexican food to the professionals.
AnOriginalName 19
No no no no. The "professionals" with the clean kitchens and perfect reports from the Health Department are vastly inferior to the local, hole in the wall places that look like they haven't cleaned the floors in weeks.
gabagabaheyu 10
its true.
Fuaaad1994 31
After reading the first sentence I thought someone superglued you to the toilet seat as some prank
CoGhostRider 31
Today I read this fml , FML
jerryj 27
No wonder why 0 of your FMLs got published.
95DeVille 13
Food of ass destruction.