Friends?

You made them use coasters, Monica

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

Picky

Today, my parents told me not to make plans for dinner as they were bringing it home. Normally, that would be great but they brought home slop from some buffet that had just opened. Everything was greasy, too salty, or bland. I told them they could have it, and made my own dinner. Now I'm being called, "The Food Network critic." FML

The gang

Today, I went to my friend's house to celebrate her birthday but 3 of them ganged up on me and molested my arse cheeks. Later, someone found a wooden plank and spanked me hard. There was also a BB gun and my arse was the target. I have been a social outcast all my life, and these are my only friends, but I'm always hit. FML

Today, I was feeling sick, so I called my boyfriend who lives down the street to come and keep me company. He replied with, "no, I can't come over, I'm busy, I'm playing xbox." FML

Unloveable

Today, it was my second day of house-sitting. I was so out of my mind from not seeing people that I invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. I said I would pay for pizza and we could all hang out in the house. Even with an unsupervised house and free food, no one showed. FML

Today, I had to kick my husband's friend out of our house after a week. He left lights on, played video games all day, ate all of our food and laughed when his son hit my dog. He was only invited over for one dinner. FML

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML