Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML
Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML
Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML
Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML
Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom at a friend’s house, used the toilet paper, and realized there was none left on the roll. I grabbed a replacement pack but it was all the way on the top shelf that was too high for me. I stood on tiptoes, balancing precariously on the toilet lid when it suddenly flipped down, knocking me off, and splashing pisswater everywhere. FML
Today, I have a case of diarrhea. How did I find out? I got startled by my dog jumping up to greet me, and I shat all over the kitchen floor. FML
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Top comments
Ghost_Kaulitz 16
Your roommate is my spirit animal.
tzemmy 25
what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?
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Comments (83)
IWishIWasObama 12
"admire my handiwork"? you're more sick than the roommate
mommy2cassidy 18
Well he's less likely to have anything happen that he could have gotten dealt with had he admired his handiwork. Drs recommend you check your poop
TahoeFMler 22
YDI. Not even the same consistency.
hume 18
You really need to mature.... But then again, I would do the same exact thing
Mariah_Raee 4
haha that's hilarious !! at first I was like ooh shit then I was like oohhh ahahahaa funny!!!
SalukiRod 5
Your roomie is my new personal hero
syed121417 22
Isn't ketchup a much brighter red than blood? And it has a different consistency so I feel like I would know it wasn't blood. But I understand how on how in the moment you might think that. No real harm done though. Now to just think of a good way to get back at them!
riptor911 10
Im taking a shit right now...
lholifield23 12
"Admire my handiwork"
Jmgonzo 10
Atleast your roommate has a sense of humor
karma_kicks_back 16
Wait til they're asleep and put ketchup on their crotch if its a guy. A damaged little soldier will bring them to tears...