Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML
Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML
Today, I got dressed up in lingerie for my boyfriend. He looked at me, said, "Nice," then went back to watching TV and drinking beer. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I are on vacation. He was watching TV, and I thought I’d try to be sexy, so I walked in wearing lingerie. He smiled at me and said, “What the hell are you wearing?” FML
Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML
Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML
Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML
Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML
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Top comments
DonkeyTeeth2013 22
His priorities are straight.
jad0016 12
Haha well Doritos are pretty damn good
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Comments (149)
Wiringify 22
You started a battle that is impossible to win OP.
Axel5238 29
Your failure was in the assumption that boobs > anything. Boobs are nice gods knows I love them, but I don't always feel up to it. The idea men will run over friend for boobs sucks. Were you texting teasing him through the day?
mister_icicle 17
Take it to pound town first, then have chips. That's how I roll. :-D
Amaris_lovell 11
Probably dodged a bullet
Adam5858 17
Doritos......can you really blame him
dragonrider1959 18
Food is the only thing greater than sex
Dopeshit_fml 4
then something is definitely greater than ur ****! ;) lil pussy! it's sex over anything and everything!
worldclassrager 41
More most guys it's food first not boyfriend/wife...just turn him down next time that should have him see that his chips are not first priority
vlalam 24
lol
kingdomgirl94 29
Well actually... there are people known as asexuals... might wanna rethink that position...
cathrope 10
Cover yourself with the Doritos and have him eat them off you and send in a video of it jappening and "BOOM!" its on the Doritos superbowl add. :)