Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML
Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML
Today, I got drunk at a party at our house. At the end, my husband passed out, so his best friend and I carried him to bed. His best friend is stupidly hot and I get horny when I'm drunk, so on a whim I made a pass at him. He shut me down and later told my husband. FML
Today, my husband got drunk, which was bad enough, but then he got me to the point where I wanted sex too, so I let him climb aboard. He was inside me for 3 thrusts and then stopped. He’d fallen asleep, so I pushed him off me, mad as hell, then he farted and shit a little bit. I married this twat. FML
Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML
Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML
Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolled off of me without finishing, and said, "I'm bored." FML
Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML
Today, my husband woke up, tried walking to the bathroom, fell down, got back up and started peeing on the carpet. I’ve never seen him this drunk before. FML
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Top comments
flufee2 27
Lets hope he's a totally different guy when he's sober...
Frank_3xxx 6
How can you live with a **** like that?
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Comments (89)
LuckBeNimble 19
18: you do know this is a HUMOR site, right? I don't think an overwhelming percentage of society finds domestic abuse humorous. relax.
jajajanie 13
Heyy... at least he is concerned about your needs as well!
asylumlane 23
Should have recorded it all and played it back for him in the morning.
niome_fml 9
good thought
missnuthin 10
an old saying: In wine there is truth. meaning people act/talk how they really feel when drunk. i have a personal practice of not being friends with people i can't stand when they're drunk.
saffy66 34
I'd have filmed it - or smacked him over the head in the midst of it and screamed, "who's that you're hooking up with you cheating bastard"!!
DollFacedTee 6
If you can't handle the liqs, don't drink!
camthecannibal 6
BWAHAHAHAHHA!! The best part is that you didn't bother to say anything the whole time, just let him go on. I'm sorry, that's unfortunate but hilarious.
jousselinn 5
Wow. He sucks