Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML
Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML
Today, I got drunk at a party at our house. At the end, my husband passed out, so his best friend and I carried him to bed. His best friend is stupidly hot and I get horny when I'm drunk, so on a whim I made a pass at him. He shut me down and later told my husband. FML
Today, my husband got drunk, which was bad enough, but then he got me to the point where I wanted sex too, so I let him climb aboard. He was inside me for 3 thrusts and then stopped. He’d fallen asleep, so I pushed him off me, mad as hell, then he farted and shit a little bit. I married this twat. FML
Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML
Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML
Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolled off of me without finishing, and said, "I'm bored." FML
Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML
Today, my husband woke up, tried walking to the bathroom, fell down, got back up and started peeing on the carpet. I’ve never seen him this drunk before. FML
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Top comments
flufee2 27
Lets hope he's a totally different guy when he's sober...
Frank_3xxx 6
How can you live with a **** like that?
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Comments (89)
sevazilla 21
**** your life
cjwayy 22
What an original, well thought out comment.
TheNoobySpartan 13
If only there was a button that would save us all the effort of typing that out.
santosb1 11
OP should of recorded it, so he could laugh at it later.
ethan043 18
Waste of a first comment.
incoherentrmblr 22
Love the GTA reference for the header...
Crossbowe 13
#73 , exactly what I was thinking
Frank_3xxx 6
How can you live with a **** like that?
IvyOswin 17
at least the idiot came home to his wife. He may have humped a body pillow thinking it was his wife, but that's infinitely better than ******* around somewhere else.
Glockoma 3
It could have been a one time thing. or maybe he's just a moron
doodlecloud 27
Yeah but he did also **** 'her' without her moving, speaking, or generally giving any signs of consent/enjoyment/consciousness. I mean, I guess in a usually happy relationship a lack of pushing someone away counts as consent - but a lack of any reaction at all and he still carries on? Am I the only one who finds that a bit weird?
DraconicFeline 31
38, if the guy was drunk enough to think a body pillow looked like his wife, do you really think he would notice the lack of movement?
incoherentrmblr 22
Wouldn't they notice the lack of bones too?...
Pauline96_fml 20
Actually he was humping the pillow not f**king the pillow
HarrisonX 25
Why do you guys think that the husband thinks the pillow is the wife? The post states that he's angry at the fact she's not home so he most likely knew the pillow was not the wife.
whitetiger13131 26
93- not that she hasn't come home yet, that she hasn't *come* yet.
sydneysays 15
What an asshole
kenyalovesarah 11
Im so sorry girl :/
flufee2 27
Lets hope he's a totally different guy when he's sober...
Lanker 17
If not, OP and the husband need some counseling.
tigerisabelle 31
Agreed. There's something wrong with that man, and they say drunk actions are sober thoughts. OP, I think you need to have a talk with this dumbass of a husband you've got.
LisaDay 14
if drunk actions are sober thoughts, sounds like he just wants more sex wth her.
mip_92 29
Wow... I have no words for this... I would definitely talk to your husband once he is sober and find out what the hell he was thinking.
headofmedusa 15
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Looks like he needs to lay off the liquor.
LisaDay 14
or he wants more sex with her.
LuckBeNimble 19
so he usually enjoys making his wife come? sounds like a good thought to have...
SMHsohard 22
The question is, what's the percentage of drunk to sober? It sounds like this is maybe usual behavior, in which case OP has some serious decisions to make; either with her husband if he can acknowledge that he has a problem, or on her own if he won't.
Compgeek1996 5
Love the user name.
jkmartinjk 16
I don't understand :(
therealjc_fml 14
Story pails in comparison to your username op..... good work:)!
laden_swallow09 35
You mean *pales? Sorry. Genuinely confused.
Maccaroney 11
The username is tw@ aka, twat.