Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
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Top comments
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
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Comments (202)
MissOtaku_fml 0
i just lawled so hard!!
JN226 0
Wow. You're really out of your mind. Are you that desperate for a bj?
henri_fml 0
you are one motivated fellow my friend. lol if you actually put that much effort into searching, you might actually be able to find agirl to give you fellatio. lol
Pearson_fml 0
errr, why would you want to have a dick in your mouth?
SirAlan 0
If u enjoyed it, does it make u gay?
Capo123 0
oh wow i thought this was pretty funny reminds me of that movie Clerks....
mancnumber1 0
Lmfao but @54, What the hell do you mean next time?!?! I hope he's learned his lesson
iheartmj 0
alrighty then.
searingpain205 0
Sadly... i can do that, but i think its nasty 0.o
eyebrowz 0
i find this completely impossible, unless you are as big as the Insane c*** Brothas...google them and you'll see what I mean.
ImTheAlpha 30
What is the censored word?