Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (202)
mtorres8789 0
nasty nasty nastY! Lol. WHy would someone want to suck their own when a girl can do it? Isn't that kind of gayish? Cause your being turned on bybeing able to suck your own. So sick lol.
silly_kate 0
ha ha, you can always did Marilyn Manson did!
chocoLIFE_fml 2
nasty
Caddy23 0
lol that nasty. And btw the Marilyn Manson thing is fiction. He didnt really do that.
discosoup 0
I used to be able to do that...when I was twelve years old and super skinny.
Chick3n_fml 0
Why... would you try to do that?
Keyosu 0
dude thats disgusting. and its even more disgusting to see that some ppl would rather do it themselves then have their gf do it for them. imagine. GF:want me to give you a ******** YOU:nah i can do it myslef.
blakehilli8 0
Second
emorockerownage 9
fail it still #93 on your post you dumb ****
DCR_fml 0
Well add me to the one percent