Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (202)
podrummer9209 0
#23: I know a girl who can. It's ridiculously hot. @All: It's not that hard. Although I'm double-jointed, anyone can teach their body flexibility. And no, I haven't tried.
donomac 0
Any1 willing to bet against me that 90% of those above who support autofelatting are either gay or have never, ever, ever, been with a women? I mean seriously, what dude would A) insert a penis in their own mouth by choice. B) Enjoy act (A) enough to gain pleasure from it. C) Cum in their own mouth....
oulala_fml 0
LMAO 52! but okay you're honestly retarded if you wanted the pleasure of getting sucked.. you would get a girl (or guy?) to do it. if you wanted the pleasure of having a penis in your mouth.. then suck another guy!
DBgirl 0
This may be the funniest thing I've read all day. And I agree with the majority of people commenting: that must require crazy flexibility. And yeah, lock your door next time.
wholelottaROSIE_fml 0
OMFG #48 thats disgusting. do you cum in your own mouth as well or do even you think thats gross? XD
omar13 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA WHAT THE F***?!?!!!! omg i have nothing to say to you except: find a f***ing woman (or man) NOW!!
RaidenX15 0
Ew.......You need a girl.
lala12_fml 0
LMAO wtf nice one...
Sirdude 0
Hahahahaha i actually used to be able to do that my girl friend said if i could do i would get to f her ass
SgtSchadenfreude 0
"It's that one vertebrae....the next to go in our evolutionary process. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step...Well, that's just a theory of mine, AND A FERVENT PRAYER!!!" --Bill Hicks Sorry, man. You and I are victims of the times!