Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
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Top comments
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
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Comments (202)
Bkkid99 0
Dude . You needa girl .. like really bad
cooler66 0
LOL shit go to a doctor so they will remove one pair of ribs and it will be much easier then for u
y_2_me 0
I agree with #3 or just lock your door or go to the bathroom and lock the door
WayneStorm 0
#49; most people don't have beds in their bathrooms. Who's going to lie on a hard floor and suck themselves? And it's completely different than using your hands. It's one thing to feel IT in A mouth. And it's another to feel one in YOUR mouth.
Nabee143 3
I'm pretty sure he wasn't lying on the floor. That would be almost impossible. He was probably in a sitting position. I don't know but it's weird. Lol
wtf20007 10
lol i know a dude that can do that.. and he's not well hung.. just kinda flexable.. gives more insinitve do to aerobics eh?
deuce_wild 0
if you could, would that make you gay?
jhon316 0
no actualy not it's called um shoot I forgot but it's called haveig sex with yourself so it's not gay
bassguitar19 1
guys anyone who goes like "wow..." or 'disgusting' is just plain retarded. its your penis, nothing wrong with trying to suck it. and it is NOT gay #46
Eryx_fml 3
I agree with #47 and my dick is big enough so I can autofellate. It's pretty good, and I'm sorry for the ones that can't do it and are just plain jealous :D Anyway... Sorry for your mom figuring you out, I wonder what she thought.
mjcurreri198 0
I want to see you do it!!, or I will
Bloodyskull 13
why would I be jealous of you not having a love life.A love life is so bad that you need to suck your own penis, that's nothing to be jealous about.
steve070 0
Some of the people commenting on this need to leave the house once in a while.
crazydoug 0
lolololol ur a ******