Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML
Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML
Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat to take him to the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML
Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML
Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML
Today, I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since my parents went crazy with their attempts to save on the water bill. Every time I want to take a shower, I have to ask them first. Let's just say I've had to resort to taking sponge baths in public bathrooms to keep my B.O. under control. FML
Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 41
Greatest FML I've ever read in my life.
Aoife 0
Haha, there's a place and time for everything. You can't ALWAYS get the pussy into the shower with you. x]
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Comments (246)
lab2lb 0
what part of you thinks "oh i'll just take a shower with my cat, no biggie, he'll love it" ?
Cucchiaio 0
You win :)
IceCubez 0
His manly parts thought so.
lolwatlol 0
We got a future Darwin Award winner here guyz
fmh123 0
Do you get off on that you sick maniac!
Muffin_boo 12
Lol dude wtf? He was trying to wash his cat. Nothing perverted about it unless you make it that way. :o
ccr69 0
Dumbass! YDI! Funniest damn thing I've read all day!
gigi2009 0
8 INCHES?? that's a damn big needle hole if you ask me...
Luckster 0
I think he meant depth, not diameter XD A needle with an 8 inch diameter is something we can only expect to see in cartoons.
lubby_fml 0
omg this comment made me lol, irl. Lol 8 inches in diameter would be like the entire right and half of his left cheek lol.
palmtrees 1
I have trouble believing even 8" in depth even... I'm seeing some exaggeration here.
plexico 4
An 8-inch "needle?!" When the doctor inserted this "needle" into your ass, did he have both hands on your shoulders?
Aeval_Fae 0
ROFL thats a nice image. Thanks for that #140.
FlyMeToTheMoon 0
I hate stupid people. You just thought you'd have a naked shower with your cat? YDI 100% I feel sorry for your cat.
lesbee 0
Actually I feel sorry for the poor bastard who had something serious but hat to wait in line at the hospital because some stupid little man took a shower with Mr. Fluffers.
pochatkin 0
how can you have an eight inch needle hole? that would be a very large hole. i'm pretty sure needles don't come that big. unless you ment 8 inches long instead of wide (thatswhatshesaid).
batosai33 0
glad i am not the only one who thought that lol. read that and thought "wow the needle was bigger than your ass. i dont think it is a needle at that point, more like a small naval gun port.
lilnurse_44 0
you realize that needles used for spinal injections arent even 8'' long... it was probably about 1 1/2- 1 3/4' long....
regalarius 0
...I just read that as "a small anal gun port." O.O
Cloudy_fml 0
Oh come on... You had to have suspected this wouldn't end well.
andlifesuxagain 0
Stupid Idiot, Cats are for chicks, Dogs are a much better choice. I mean dogs, not the small yappy things you want to punt over the fence.
booklvr630 0
Amen.
_chrissy_ 0
Cats bathe themselves. Hopefully your dear furry friend wasn't so dirty he needed your assistance.