Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML
Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML
Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat to take him to the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML
Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML
Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML
Today, I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since my parents went crazy with their attempts to save on the water bill. Every time I want to take a shower, I have to ask them first. Let's just say I've had to resort to taking sponge baths in public bathrooms to keep my B.O. under control. FML
Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 41
Greatest FML I've ever read in my life.
Aoife 0
Haha, there's a place and time for everything. You can't ALWAYS get the pussy into the shower with you. x]
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Comments (246)
Ketz 0
Ha, you got needle-molested
darkmis1 18
where the hell did you ever get the thought that would he a good idea? cats wash themselves, and usually hate water. YDI.
notcoolperson 0
********** has never been so perverse.
deadboy73 0
yeah, you were trying to "wash" your cat...you're looking for the wrong kind of pussy my friend
californiareader 0
cats+water=angry mean cat, basic math man. YDI for doing it naked in the first place. hahahah i agree with #32
WoolyWhoop 7
Finally, a half decent FML. The OP is retarded though if this is real, but amusing nonetheless.
nixxx90 0
hahahahahahahaahahahahhahahahaha
sublime93 0
No one deserves that but it was still pretty stupid of you
TheLetterZero 7
I think the OP is mentally retarded... How did he even figure out how to post this on the website?
loonphdno 0
OMFG.....What if this sicko had kids???