Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weed-whacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgot that I was mowing where the dogs take dumps, I absentmindedly whacked over dog poop… which got flung into my face. FML
Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML
Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML
Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML
Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML
Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML
Today, I was woken by my alarm. I got really tangled up in my blankets, and struggled frantically to untangle myself so I could turn off the alarm. I not only kneed myself in the face, but I accidentally punched myself in the nuts too. Hard. FML
Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML
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Top comments
mmmPoptarts 6
That's only if you're still fertile
jackson41 4
Good thing guys constantly generate new sperm! Lol girls don't generate new "eggs" ever, so if they get damages they literally damage their future children. Nerd moment srry :P
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Comments (107)
mmmPoptarts 6
That's only if you're still fertile
Hidur 10
The ground is fertile enough to grow weeds. It's practically mocking him!
iiTsAJ 5
Looks like we're going to have to wait and watch…
Marcella1016 32
Did you also soil your pants?
alwaysrunnin 3
I feel bad for the poor guy. Yet the FML is funny, especially with 'future children already filing for abuse' and yet ironic cos fertile garden
yahoowizard 16
Thank you for that literary analysis 41. Really talked about stuff under the surface there. B+
Daederoth 10
And let's hope you're not. You probably should not reproduce if you posted a time you punched yourself in the nuts on FML.
xTwig 10
I'm thinking around C- not a B+
The_DoritoNinja 4
Don't worry, just Mother Nature screwing with us again.
Zedd_fml 8
OP it's more like, you just punched your future children goodbye.
Sammmy7Rocks 0
If you have kids haha
The_Hitdude 12
Haha-- No. Think up a better joke next time. Douche.
itsharkley 8
Y U be a douche?!
lifesabitch77 0
Don't be a bitch-_- #75 do you know what a douche is? But in this case it applies...
jackson41 4
Good thing guys constantly generate new sperm! Lol girls don't generate new "eggs" ever, so if they get damages they literally damage their future children. Nerd moment srry :P
yoursucklives 36
But I think it's very hard to punch a woman in the ovaries!
MissHayleyJames 7
Not really. It's actually quite easy but doesn't have the same impact that it does on testicles.
yoursucklives 36
What I meant to say with that comment, was, that testicals are more "visible" than ovaries.
goldfishgod 20
God bless you. Women are born with a finite number of eggs;men have countless & unlimited sperm.
HoboSmeller 6
@49- which **** has taught us usually ends up on girls faces and lower back.
Dimence 9
Well i thought that if the fabric gets damaged it won't produce more products? Must be a harder force I guess
Miss_Bethica 11
are you dumb? what do you think a period is lol.
nofearjenshere 12
. < This
itsharkley 8
OP was not worried about sperm count. He was worried about fertility. Wait. Im out of character. Y U no study biology?!
MissHayleyJames 7
Have you women never had a gyno exam before? It's really easy to reach your ovaries through your skin.
haycassidy 7
Oh 81, I really hope you're joking.
MrBrightside21 20
I heard that man has a limited amount of sperm, and can only have sex with about every woman in Europe, twice. Challenge accepted. ...Just kidding. That shit would hurt.
SubaruWRXSTI 16
81, your period discards an unfertilised egg, in fact women only have 400-500 eggs in their ovaries. I'm a guy and I know this...
Matt_Lord_Of_The 3
Mother nature is having herself a giggle
WCARlover 35
What future children?
Linkerdoodles 15
His sperm…? Sorry, I can't tell if you're serious or just using dumb sarcasm.
Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH 7
74- asshole.
mishaparis 7
that does seem painful。
SkoomaKi 28
Oh another duck face.... *loads shotgun*
The_Hitdude 12
Wait SkoomaKi! You'll need something bigger: *Hands minigun* Now go! Before she flies away!
ILoveDaWorld 5
dont worry your future kids will only be slightly messed up
sillycart 9
That's prob as bad as pulling on something while another person is pulling the other end and they let go.
missalkali 8
that's exactly what it is except here the other side isn't a person so it minimizes the hard feelings factor
thenewlautner 4
I had a friend who did that with a big military-sized tire iron
sparkrok 8
tire irons are bigger in the military?
CockAsian 14
EVERYTHING is bigger in the military. ;D
LSS_fml 18
62 I thought that was Texas?
shorty6823 28
What about a military base in Texas?