Beyond help

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

Today, my little sister, who's still in high school, proved beyond a doubt she's better at my computer repair job than I am. She proved it in front of my customers and my manager, who brushed me aside and offered her a job as soon as she graduates. FML

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

Not helping

Today, my job interview got canceled. I later found out it's because my sister got the brilliant idea to go talk to the manager to "advocate" for me, and they thought I put her up to it. FML

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

Today, I was telling one of my patients I was upset because my sister wants to go to beauty school, and that I don't want her getting a worthless qualification and to aim higher. My patient replied by saying she's a hair dresser. FML

Language!

Today, my five year-old sister won't stop saying, "Shit buckle fuckle ton." My boyfriend's excuse was that he was teaching her how to rhyme. FML