Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML
Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML
Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML
Today, I was naked and the wife tried to flick my bum with a wet towel. Unfortunately I bent over at the wrong moment and the towel cracked right against the underside of my dangling penis. The whole underside is bruised, it hurts to pee, and God help me tomorrow if I get morning wood. FML
Today, I was in a rush to get ready for work so I quickly shaved my legs. In my haste, I accidentally nicked myself in a very sensitive area and had to spend the day simmering in discomfort and checking my crotch every so often to make I wasn't bleeding through my pants. FML
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Top comments
Exodiafinder687 58
Why did you have to rush to the hospital? Your wife could have just sucked the spider venom out.
712sash 26
Well, would you rather prefer a spider bite on your penis?
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Comments (59)
dragoongirl90 34
Nurses are not doctors. It was actually illegal for her to try to diagnose you that way. People can give opinions on things, of course, but those in the medical profession have rules. And this is why.
stuner56 22
It's not illegal if this happens at home.
SMHsohard 22
Also, an APN can diagnose and treat, legally. They work in tandem with a physician, but diagnosis is part of their job.
meli1195 31
pretty sure OP wouldn't send his wife to jail for giving him an incorrect diagnosis, even if it's illegal
ShannonBitt 29
I wouldn't consider this a diagnosis. I think the only reason he said that she was a nurse was because she'd be more credible than any random person.
Joshery 14
That must have been very embarrassing
xx000o 27
Is she a candy stripe nurse?
ndnpride88 25
Better safe than sorry. Atleast there was no spider bite
buckdharma 38
You were gone for a week, and your wife convinces you to go to an ER? I'm guessing you initiated sex and got blew-off? Maybe you should be checking her out for bites?
DocBastard 40
It's never a ******* spider bite. Of all the hundreds of consultations I've gotten for supposed "spider bites", exactly ZERO have been spider bites.
Zebediabolical 45
To paraphrase the great Dr. House... 'It's never a spider bite. Until it is.' But he was talking about Lupus.
ImTheAlpha 30
I must never have been a patient of yours then. With me, it's always a spider bite.
1dvos_grl3 21
"May the force be with you" "SHUT UP YODA!!"
False_Stupidity 42
Stupid you are, relevant to the FML this is not.
mosquito19 14
your wife had to be a C student in nursing school.
gintwinsmoore 20
if she was lucky.
Solano2580 24
at first I thought she was trying to get you into bad foreplay and an even worse ********
maharb01 17
ah the age old question. . .manscaping side effect or spider bite. . .