Today, I was ready to have sex with my new boyfriend. Turns out he's a 30 year-old virgin who doesn't know shit. He couldn't find my vagina and was just humping my crotch, then when he finally got it in it was 5 pumps, a squirt and done. He thinks he did a good job. Now I have to teach him how to do it properly. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML
Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well… penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. Foreplay was amazing, but as soon as he started to get it in, he lost his erection because he was too nervous. He's a 30-year-old virgin and this has happened at least 10 times. FML
Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. We're both still virgins. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML
Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML
Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML
Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML
Today, after waiting to losing our virginity together, we finally did it, only for my boyfriend to claim he doesn't understand how people enjoy sex, since he found the waiting stressful, the sex awkward and undignified, the orgasm unimpressive and so sticky, he was desperate for a shower afterwards. FML
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Top comments
poopface82 25
Well look on the bright side. You don’t have any established bad habits to break.
Jon Tessler 14
think about how much fun you will have training him to do exactly what you like done to your body. you don't have to break him of any bad habits.
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Comments (7)
poopface82 25
Well look on the bright side. You don’t have any established bad habits to break.
RichardPencil 32
Dump him. It will probably only go downhill from here. Otherwise, you could train him and when he becomes more confident, he'll move on to someone. Don't be the chump.
xxWTFxx1981 23
I mean this guy must be seriously broken for him to be a Virgin at 30 unless he was a Buddhist monk or something. I would get out the relationship unless you are truly desperate.
SirEnigM0nk 22
So if someone's a virgin @ 30 and not a Buddhist monk or something similar, they are categorically ****** up and not worth training...good to know. #judgemental
Jon Tessler 14
think about how much fun you will have training him to do exactly what you like done to your body. you don't have to break him of any bad habits.
CowgirlWithHeart 16
Omg, you have a blank slate, teach him, you can teach him exactly what you like. And of course it was quick the first time, it was his first time, go for round 2 in a little bit!
Chris Lawrence 6
My husband was a virgin at first too. Now he's custom designed 😂
SirEnigM0nk 22
Communication is key. Gotta tell him how you want it done, unless he is telepathic or something. Plus you can't reasonably expect pro athlete performance from a rookie.