Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML
Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML
Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML
Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with, "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML
Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML
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Top comments
oj101 33
Drunken words are sober thoughts.
yoimtrollin 24
Good things come in tiny packages, she doesn't know what she's missing.
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Comments (65)
MiissAshleyy 19
thats a good way to break the ice. lol.
tygerarmy 35
Or melt it, with lots of alcohol.
stephers444 17
You may want to work on that then
tygerarmy 35
The OP should ask his GF what he has to do to get her off.
sniken 14
and the gf should tell him, before getting ass drunk and complaining elsewhere for problems she should have solved with her bf in private. (assuming this was his first time hearing about it). Now he knows though, and can do something about it.
8born8 18
try practicing your sucking technique and tongue control with a mango (or similar fruit). that's what I used when I taught my ex how to give basic oral, then it was tuition and practice.
BlowinChronic 18
imagining someone practicing oral on a mango...
Gingerette 8
#70, you're smarter than I am, because I can't even begin to imagine what that's supposed to look like. All I see in my head right now is question marks...
BrotherPhil 35
I believe Vatsayana did mention a technique named for a mango, but iirc, it was one that was usually for women.
ColbyGB 13
Maybe you shouldn't let her get drunk, doesn't sound like anything good comes out of her oral either
8born8 18
Wow, the morning after the night before. Awesome mum you have there OP. I wonder how she reacted to that. Your GF should've said something to you first about building on and improving your sexual repertoire if she wasn't happy. Admittedly it's horrible having to talk to your SO about their lackluster skills, but it's better than saying nothing and not getting what needs to be got. Maybe have a (serious) chat to a male whom you're close to.... And your GF should apologise for any disruption & awkwardness she may have caused.
ahd94 21
There's totally a nice way of getting your mate to mate better. Just give them suggestions rather than saying "you suck at sex"
8born8 18
from previous experiences there is need for tact and diplomacy when broaching the subject of a mans performance, I agree that beating around the bush only exaggerates a sticky situation. men are fragile after all.
capacitatedflux 6
"beating around the bush"? "sticky situation"? There's no way that wasn't intentional, but there's nothing at the end of your post to signify you knew you did it as is the norm here. I am utterly confused.
isuckok 11
Maybe she doesn't feel the need to exaggerate her puns.
caden_bro 9
She does feel the need to use as many big words as possible, to seem more intelligent.
keymustang 10
practice doing the ABCs for oral when your board and practice kegels for your down low
chilevmv 7
Yikes. Well I have no advice on this one
caitylynn05 16
there's a pill for that! and practice makes perfect if you take her advice ;)
caden_bro 9
Those pills aren't really a solution. And don't forget, he may be average sized, but the woman may be a little... Wider, or the man just doesn't know how to use what he has.
justtheotherguy 12
Send your girlfriend to me, seems like I can be in Guinness world record for my small size
Jackpearson3 10
I'm jealous
n00b4liciou5 10
"oral sucks" heheh
cryssycakesx3 23
he looks like the LOLOLOLOLLLL face.
nanjiii_fml 26
Poor mommy!