Today, I pulled into a parking lot, for the car to simply shut off because I ran out of gas. Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, so I called my dad, who walked all the way to where I was, only to find out that the car was still in drive. FML
Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words "killing", "dying" and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML
Today, and for the past four years, the only time my husband stops snoring while asleep is so that he can fart. FML
Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML
Today, after 7 years of writing my PhD thesis, I found a book containing all the exact findings I've spent arduous hours, nay, years discovering. My tutoring professor somehow forgot to mention I was discovering sealing wax. FML
Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML
Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML
Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play video games than be intimate with me. I've tried everything, but get nothing. FML
Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out, and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. Twenty minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML
Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML
Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML
Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML
Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML
Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML
Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML
Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML
Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML
Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML
Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML
Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML
Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML
Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML
Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML
Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML
Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "We follow the book." That book's older than I am. FML
Today, I gave a presentation in class. I felt pretty good about it, until afterwards when I was told I lost points for communication because I'd been chewing gum. I wasn't, I just have a speech impediment. FML
Today, my sister asked me, while making a cup of green tea with honey, "I wonder why they call it honey?" I replied, "Probably some Greek or Latin word meaning 'to sweeten'." She stopped, turned and with a serious face asked, "Where exactly is Latin?" FML
Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2 month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk whenever they make a noise. My fridge started beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, "It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright." FML
Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML
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