Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML
Today, my husband caught me sneaking out of his parents' house to get food. I love my in-laws, they’re the type of people others dream of having, but the food is so horrible. I don’t understand how in such a large family of amazing people not one of them has figured out how to make a decent meal. FML
Today, we had a field trip to the local theme park. As I explained the safety rules, one of the students piped up with, "Yeah, I'm ditching you. Y'all are going to be the ones puking your guts up all over the place." He was right. FML
Today, I'm being forced to go back to my parents', who kicked me out because they thought I was gay. I'm not. There was a misunderstanding. I don't want to go back to them because they've shown me what kind of people they are, even if I'm straight, but the police and Social Services are making me. FML
Today, my 15 year-old sister came home at 4 a.m. totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about drug abuse. FML
Today, I attended my half-sister's wedding but no one had told me the venue was a converted barn with temporary outdoor gazebos on the fields of a working farm, so while everyone else, including the bride, attended in jeans and wellies, I rocked up in three inch heels, and yes I fell over. FML
Today, after dumping my fiancé and altering my life following my therapist's advice so I could be free and self-sufficient, I finally feel like I'm in control of my life! However, I just had a dream where I was married to my ex and had two beautiful babies, and I cried so hard I had to call out sick. What have I done? FML
Today, I'm 36 and I got told the reason I've never been on a date is because everyone I've asked on a date is too pretty for me and that I needed to look for ugly women. FML
Today, my son got pulled over by a cop for speeding. He decided it was bullshit and floored the gas. He barely made it half a mile before losing control and crashing into a house. Now I'm being sued by the homeowner, my son is in jail, and my car is totaled. FML
Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML
Today, I was accused of racism for mentioning that a Native American woman in my neighborhood is illiterate. She's a special needs adult waiting for an opening in a group home, I only mentioned she was illiterate because people couldn't figure it out and were upset that she couldn't read the notes they were leaving. FML
Today, I have a broken leg, four broken fingers, a cracked rib, a concussion, and an infection fever, and my wife still sent me downstairs with a bat to check for burglars when she heard a noise at 2 a.m. FML
Today, my manager told me point blank if my uncle weren’t a senior manager he’d fire me. My uncle isn’t a senior manager because I don’t have any uncles, just two aunts, but I’m terrified that if I tell my manager then he’ll fire me. FML
Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML
Today, I was all set and ready to leave my cheating, narcissistic husband. I couldn't because my kids wouldn't come with me. FML
Today, my son got angry when he came out as gay and my husband and I told him that we loved him no matter what. Turned out he wanted us to reject him so he could have a sob story and make people feel sorry for him. FML
Today, our children were playing in the apartment, and I guess it made too much noise for the guy below, because he started banging on the ceiling. My boyfriend got so pissed that he grabbed his gun, stormed off, and threatened the guy below with it. He's on parole so I'm praying he doesn't report it to the cops. FML
Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a long text breaking up with me and calling me "selfish", all because I fed my dog half of the roast he made us for dinner. He knows damn well I feed her a raw diet. FML
Today, despite my insistence that I didn't need her, my mom showed up at my door to move in to "help out" after my wife's death. I refused to let her in, so now she's staying at a hotel, and the whole family is angry at me. FML
Today, I found out that my workplace still won't fire my coworker who is extremely rude to customers. Last week, he called a black woman the n-word right to her face. All he did was just get yelled at and told to get back to work. No matter how many complaints, they simply won't fire him. FML
Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML
Today, I did a prank to my teacher where I screamed "ALLAHU AKBAR" and pretended to pull a weapon from my pack. I got suspended for two weeks. My dad is so pissed that he's taken time off work and is forcing me to do brutally tough house chores all day, every day, for no pay. This is too much! FML
Today, I got my first interview offer in months for a job I desperately need. It turned out to be an MLM. FML
Today, my friends' attempts to get me a girlfriend, even though I'm OK with being single, have gone too far. A "new girl" recently showed up and they're dead set on setting us up because, "You two get along so well!" Every time I try to explain to them that she's my cousin, they think I'm lying. I'm not lying. FML
Today, I moved into university residence, looking forward to finally being able to come out of the closet. I started chatting with the hot guy moving in next door to me. He said I was cool, and he was glad because he was afraid he'd be living next to a gay guy. FML
Today, I overheard my best friend laughing and calling my fiance lame and stupid, all because he proposed to me with a bouquet instead of a ring. And here I was about to ask if she would be my maid of honor… FML
Today, I realized that even if I want to have cute fun and admit when I was wrong, I still get "adulting sucks, get over it" when I joke that I "don't wanna grow apart or up too fast that you don't need me." Jesus, I realized after that there's no such thing as real love anymore. FML
Today, we were heckling a friend who showed up to skate wearing a helmet, laughing at him for not being confident in his skating. I go to stunt so I can mog him, slip, and wake up in the hospital with stitches and a killer headache. Mogged by a helmet wearer. FML
Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I'm deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML
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