Today, a cute guy asked me out for coffee. I like him but didn't want it to be easy, so I said, "Coffee dates are for broke bums, aim a little higher." He said, "Aight I will, peace out" and walked off. FML
Today, my parents disowned me because I would not open my family's home to my sister and her family because their home burned down. My sister and her husband have twelve kids and they have the same crazy fundamentalist beliefs as the Duggar family. But my parents say, "THEY'RE FAMILY!!!" FML
Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be OK if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML
Today, I went to the doctor for advice on the horrid diarrhea problem I have, because I go every thirty minutes. Luckily, I had two very big stool samples to give my doctor when I got there. Why? Due to slow drivers and hitting ALL the red lights, it took an hour to get to the doctor's. Life sure is good when it's easygoing, huh? FML
Today, I tried to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Despite not deviating from what I typically eat, I was kept up nearly all night by my farts. The foods I eat typically don't give me gas this badly. FML
Today, my parents swore up and down for the umpteenth time that I'm their biological child, even though they're both white and I'm very obviously Hispanic. I know I'm adopted and I even got proof, but they dismiss it as AI. They keep insisting that "genetics are weird." I just want them to be honest with me. FML
Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML
Today, I won my custody battle and I get to keep my deceased husband's kids. I know I should be happy but I'm getting so much hate from my former in-laws for taking the kids away from their "real family", even though they wanted to stay with me. FML
Today, my husband has been sulking because he got the urge to play Runescape and discovered that his old account was hacked and he lost all his fake money and items. FML
Today, I filed for divorce after only two months because my husband would not allow my kids to attend their father's funeral. I know it's necessary and I have to get my kids away from this prick, but… FML
Today, the guy in the cubicle across from me complained about me to our boss. Apparently, his relatives heard me typing something on his daily 8+ hour call to them, and now don't believe he has his own office. My boss took his side and asked me to type quieter. FML
Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML
Today, I was reminded of my ex who works and now lives in Manama, Bahrain. How? My sister and her in-laws called me a heartless dick for not being worried about her. We broke up 15 years ago, she's a pediatrician and an OB-GYN, and the ONLY reason why they care is because they used to get free services and meds from her. FML
Today, my ex-wife's kids, who I dumped alongside her and completely cut ties with when I found out they weren't mine, found me on social media. FML
Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML
Today, I split with my abusive girlfriend and moved back in with my parents. Now my mom won't stop pressuring me to get with a man and have a million kids. I hate men, absolutely despise the disgusting pigs, and wouldn't be with one if we were the only people on Earth. FML
Today, my parents told me that I'm going on our upcoming family vacation and that's final. I broke both my legs in an accident and have to use a wheelchair. I"m in constant pain and don't want to go anywhere. FML
Today, I found out I can't go to Los Angeles to visit my grandparents for spring break like I'd planned because my asshole dad got some sort of court order preventing me from leaving the state. He and my mom are in a custody battle over me. FML
Today, I am forced to throw a baby shower for my entitled and witch of a sister in law. She and her husband have been making my life living hell for more than 10 years now. What their hellspawn would do, God only knows. No, I can't walk away. It's a cultural thing. I'm trapped until death. FML
Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML
Today, and for the past 6 months of unemployment, I’ve realized my life is spiraling downward fast. Years of hard work, sacrifice, honors from top schools, and constant validation, JUST TO GET BRUTALLY ASSFUCKED BY THE GODDAMN JOB MARKET. It feels like everything I worked for went down the drain. FML
Today, my parents said we can't go to our grandma's funeral because it's going to be held in Hawaii in accordance with her wishes and we can't afford to travel. FML
Today my wife made something from ultra salty fish she bought, and it was horrible. It set off my sensitive bowels within minutes. Now 15 hours later I’ve just had my first dry fart. FML
Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because she found a lot of red lipstick on my neck. The red lipstick was from her lipstick because she came over in the middle of the night when she was really drunk, then left. She refuses to listen to me. FML
Today, I loosened the lug nuts on a guy's tires since he won't stop parking in my assigned spot and the rental authority refused to do anything. His tire flew off as he was tearing down the highway and he totaled his car. Now I might get charged. FML
Today, I have a new coworker. Whenever he types something, he smacks the keyboard like its his wife's ass. It stresses me out. FML
Today, my sister who I'm being a surrogate for told me that she changed her mind and doesn't want kids anymore. It's way too late for me to have an abortion. FML
Today, I realized how bad my family is as I slept over at my girlfriend's house and I finally got all the reasons why I like being there: I love her parents like they're mine. They give me, as well as her, lots of hugs, tell me they care about me, and make me feel welcome. Why aren't my folks like that? FML
Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML
Today, I found out our street has a community Facebook we’ve never been invited to join because it's used exclusively to chat shit about our family and post pics and videos of us doing things “the community” doesn’t like. Such as dog walking after 9pm and planting bushes instead of flowers. FML
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