Today, at work, someone found a bat indoors. I offered my help. They shouted, "Let someone with the right expertise do it." I volunteer as a bat carer. FML
Today, I spent all day cleaning the carpets in every room. I own two dogs and a cat, so deodorizing and deep cleaning the carpets is an all-day chore. At 9 p.m., after I was done with the last room, I went out to the living room and saw one of my dogs had been sick all over the place. Had to reclean the carpet. FML
Today, I held hands with a male mannequin in a department store, just to remember what holding hands felt like. FML
Today, I lost my job, neither by quitting or getting fired. I don't know whether to be mad or confused. FML
Today, my son was having a hard time mentally, and asked my wife if she loved him as much as she loved her biological children. She straight up told him not to be stupid, because of course she doesn’t love a step-kid as much as she loves her "real kids." FML
Today, one of my coworkers was recently promoted, so I'm now officially the last person of our team, hired in the same year, to still have "junior" as part of my job title. Not that it’s relevant, but I’m also the oldest member of the team by about 15 years, yet still "junior." FML
Today, my sister is upset that I won’t upturn my entire life by letting her kids stay at my house 4-5 days a week. She decided to move in with her boyfriend after one month, before even introducing him to her kids. Now he’s decided he doesn’t like the kids, so she wants me to keep them. FML
Today, Facebook stopped working and I realized how emotionally dependent I am on social media. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he hoped I don’t get pregnant because he’d hate to have to dump me to escape fatherhood. Thinking he was making an insensitive joke about my single pregnant sister, I asked how many women he dumped for falling pregnant. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Four." FML
Today, the psychiatrist who I've been relying on to evaluate my condition to give me some real help, who I've been waiting on my appointment with for three months, suddenly rescheduled me until February next year. Why? Because she's "not working that day". I can't afford to see anyone else. FML
Today, I did something you never ever should do. I removed the screw in the shower drain. What I didn't know was that it's impossible to know if the shower will leak afterwards. I just wanted to properly clean the drain. FML
Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML
Today, my wife and I have been fighting for two days straight. We haven’t talked all day. It all started with me asking where to park. FML
Today, I'm 20 years-old and I was propositioned by a 42 year-old man, who turned out to be my dad's friend who helped care for me when I was 2 to 7 years-old. FML
Today, I had way too much to drink at a work picnic and started crying at about my ex, who cheated on me, while sitting on top of a slide at a playground. FML
Today, while shopping at a store, my big toe decided that it was deeply infatuated with my shopping cart wheel. So much so, it rammed itself straight into it. It took everything in me not to scream. FML
Today, I lost keys to my car, studio, house, and a storage unit, in a busy city park with no chance of recovering them after searching for hours. I have to cancel work and my car is going to be towed because of street sweeping. O, woe is me! Send a prayer and love, and perhaps my keys by carrier pigeon. FML
Today, my 3 year-old toddler wanted to try my wine. I kept telling her it’s adult juice and she wouldn’t like it. When she kept bugging me about it I gave in, and gave her a tiny sip. She liked it, and continued to bug me about it even more. FML
Today, four months after my crush told me he liked me, a day ago he told me he’d lose his job if he dates me, so he's now blocked me and avoids me when we work together. FML
Today, my friend who doesn’t pay bills, still lives at her parent’s rent free, and hasn't finished her Associate’s is debating what color she should order her iPhone 13 in. Meanwhile, I have a Master’s, pay an astronomical amount in mortgage and bills, and still have the iPhone 8. FML
Today, my son claimed credit for a money-saving scheme at work that belonged to a colleague. He claimed this to someone in very upper management, but when they tried to ask follow-up questions, he obviously had no idea how to answer, admitted his lie and was sacked on the spot. FML
Today, my sister called me a selfish cow, all because I wouldn’t let her have a portion of my daughter’s life insurance check so she can go on a shopping spree. She’s more upset about that than her niece passing way. FML
Today, my dad all but told me that he ignores me and my advice on purpose, just so he can yell at me for pestering him when I get annoyed, and being ignored really ticks me off. Then my mom, who is the more level-headed one, didn't even scold him for it. This is why I have acute self-esteem issues. FML
Today, I got a housekeeping warning from my landlord. After struggling with multiple serious health issues, I’ve also been dealing with a horrible case of depression as a result. When I tried to explain this to the manager, she decided to get the county involved and try to have me committed. FML
Today, I'm dead on my feet after being awake since 1AM with the baby. I begged my wife to watch both the baby and our four year-old for an hour while I napped. She refused, and instead said she needed a rest more. Her reason? “I might need to do a shit later.” FML
Today, I was studying my anatomy book for nursing school while in the break room at my day job. My nosy-ass, ignorant coworker who always finds a way to butt into everyone’s business told the front office I was looking at porn. I got written up for, "displaying offensive materials." FML
Today, I found out that the giant tumour on my leg isn’t cancerous or dangerous. My mom cried, and I was super relieved. Later on, I heard her on the phone in tears because now she won’t be able to get a free vacation or home renovations from the Make A Wish foundation. FML
Today, I woke up feeling out of step with life. Work owes me money for 6 months-worth of projects I did. I collected loans to take care of my sick dad and manage myself, and now my bosses are refusing to pay what they owe, so my account balance is blank. FML
Today, my mother thought it would be a wonderful idea to make me late for me own wedding. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't focused solely on my sister because my wedding didn't center on her. The sister in question snubbed being my maid of honor over a year ago, and just decided to randomly show up. FML
Today, I got offered an interview for a great job. My father then spent the entire dinner telling me how pointless it was, and how I should apply to the factory next door because I would spend all the extra money on gas. FML
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