Today, I was dating a guy for 5 years, and I thought he was my soulmate. Until he stole more than 60K from me and he's 400k in debt. He has a serious gambling addiction and his probably never going to stop. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, as always, I tend to smile and giggle when I'm nervous. I couldn't stop it from happening at my friend's grandmother's funeral. FML
Today, I only open my curtains in the morning so my plants won’t die. Me, I leave in the dark and return in the dark. The only time I see the sun in winter is during lunch breaks and weekends. FML
Today, thanks to autocorrect on our new company laptops, I sent an email to all staff but when I signed my name, it autocorrected my surname to Nipple. FML
Today, just like the past 10 days, I have COVID. Today was also the day my body decided to betray me. I threw up and simultaneously shit myself for the first time since I was in diapers. FML
Today, my mom fell and hit her head on our coffee table when walking inside. She tripped on a 1 cm gate rail. She split her head open and there was so much blood. This is the third bad fall in 2 weeks. She still smokes, despite having COPD, and the ER doctor telling her smoking is depriving her brain of oxygen. FML
Today, I returned home early from a week away for work. I was worried about my husband's mental health after a week alone with our two ADD kids. He wasn’t expecting me, but I was surprised to see the house cleaner than it had ever been, and our children happily reading on the couch. How did he do that? FML
Today, my home health aide doused me with what she considered to be Holy Water. It was bottled water. Turns out she was having a meltdown. It's a freezing day in New York City. FML
Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted, "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML
Today, I went to make coffee, but having just woken up, I forgot the paper filter. You can guess what was in my coffee… FML
Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML
Today, while working at my call center, I took a phone call. The guy on the other line just yelled "FUCK YOU!" twice at the top of his lungs before hanging up on me. But of course, the phone agent is always at fault. FML
Today, my 61 year-old father snatched a letter from my hands and threw four different fits because he misread it four different times, then yelled at me for "not reading it properly." I had to explain it to him. FML
Today, I came to the unpleasant realization that my friends only keep me around because I’m nice, know when to keep my mouth shut, and am willing to listen to them vent. In short, I’m the therapist friend. FML
Today, I learned that when my girlfriend was a kid, she enjoyed torturing animals for fun. Nice to know she was lying when she said the idea of harming an animal “makes her sick to her stomach.” FML
Today, someone told me to watch out for ice and slick spots. Gee, thanks. I could have used that information before I stepped out of my car and fell on some black ice. My left arm feels like it's on fire, and I'm left handed to boot. FML
Today, I'm currently in a long-running argument with the police because on New Year's Eve, some dumbass threw firecrackers at my car, destroying one tire, the two taillights, and the front windshield. I've been reporting it the morning after since, and neither the police nor the insurance want to do anything. FML
Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML
Today, I spent almost 1000$ on an ex girlfriend, not because I wanted to, I was court ordered. She had her child with a guy who was already married, and told the government that I was the father. This was 2 years after she stole my credit card and maxed it out. FML
Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML
Today, when I selected my classes last semester, I could have taken my required-to-graduate foreign language classes on something doable like Spanish. Instead, not knowing what I was getting into, I selected Classical Greek. It's too late to change my language and my uninformed choice is going to cost me my degree. FML
Today, some dumbass ripped my facemask off, spit in my face, and ran away. FML
Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML
Today, I realized I hate my life now. Everything changed. My friends changed. I don't like Paris. It's cold and lonely. It's nothing like Emily in Paris. I'm overstressed with uni and my future. I want a break. FML
Today, I tested positive for Covid. Not only do I feel absolutely miserable, but I was at work all day yesterday, interacting with the public. Also, the day before that, I hung out at a friend's house with a 3-month-old infant. If any one of them get Covid, it's my fault. FML
Today, I learned that people never change. My boyfriend left me at three months pregnant, the same thing he did to his last girlfriend. I know now exactly how things will go down for my successor. FML
Today, more time goes by, more I’m going to have to accept that my 13 year-old sister is going to end up with size DD boobs, possibly even bigger, meanwhile I'm turning 25 this year and my boobs are stubbornly stuck at a B. Life ain’t fair. FML
Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML
Today, my prank backfired when the airhorn prank I set up for my dad burst and blew a hole in his office window, which also broke his laptop screen. FML
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