Today, after stressing all week about important phone calls, they all went as horrible as possible. My anxiety was right all along. FML
Today, I've been getting terrifying threats all day. Why? I broke up with my girlfriend and turned her in to the police after she and her friends shared their plan to firebomb a church during Sunday school. I didn't know I was dating a terrorist. I might need a new identity. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, hanging out with him and his mom. I had to do a number two. A while later, we hear his mom in the washroom. She had turned on the bathtub and was flushing the toilet. A lot. Later on, my boyfriend leaves the room and she says, “Did you make that mess in the toilet?” FML
Today, we recently had to unplug our mom from life support. We decided it together as a family, but as her medical proxy, I was the one who had to tell the hospital to do it. Now half my family members don’t talk to me, like I decided all on my own to kill her behind their backs. I want my mom back. FML
Today, first time in a rowboat, I was completely unprepared for just how easy it is to unbalance a boat. All I did was shift my weight to the side to relieve my numb leg, the boat tipped, I overcorrected too far in the opposite direction and tipped myself, my girlfriend, and her parents into the North Sea. FML
Today, my dad was pissed and more concerned about his tomato plant being broken than the fact that I'd just tripped over it and hurt my knee. According to him, “It’s the best tomato plant we have.” Thanks for the concern dad. FML
Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML
Today, my wife has been trying to talk our daughter out of getting married, because it would be throwing her life away when she’s so young, and it would make her miserable in the long run. It’s getting a little hard not to take it personally since we’ve been married for over 30 years. FML
Today, I thought it would be cool to record an Instagram reel pumping gas and put a recording of Donald Trump saying how Biden’s presidency will cause gas prices to go up. I got so distracted with editing that my gas tank ended up overflowing, and it poured everywhere. I spent all the money I had. FML
Today, none of us had any idea that our grandfather was a huge racist until I brought my new girlfriend over to a family gathering, and he started yelling because she's Indian, some of the most disgusting racial slurs I’ve ever heard. We left when it looked like he might actually hit her. FML
Today, I took a hot plate out of the oven with my fancy silicone oven mitt. Seconds after carefully placing it on the cook top, I picked it up with my left, unprotected hand. FML
Today, I was reported for mortgage fraud. The reason? A distant cousin wanted to congratulate me on my new home, but she was upset that I didn’t go through the lender she works for. FML
Today, when people ask me what I’m doing this summer and I answer that I’m going into plus-size modeling, they rudely say, “Oh, me too,” or, “Oh, my grandma too.” I have an hourglass figure and spent hours on my portfolio, but everyone still thinks I’m just trying to feel better about being fat. FML
Today, after I was away for a couple of days, my wife told me she’s been doing laundry while I was gone. I'd reminded her to clean out the lint catcher because it might catch fire. I came home to a new dryer and a smoke damaged house. FML
Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML
Today, having been on hold on the phone for several minutes, I felt the need to release a fart. Just as I started my release, they picked up. They definitely heard. FML
Today, I drove across three states, starting out at 4:30am, to do on-site tech work. Once I arrived, I was informed that work was scheduled tomorrow, not today, which wasn't my fault, they messed up. I lost a whole day and gas costs. I don’t get paid for this unless I do the work. I’m stuck in South Dakota. FML
Today, my mother continues to copy everything I do. So far, she's switched to seeing my doctor, my therapist, my hairdresser, and even shopping at my preferred supermarket. I've lived independently for ten years, but I'm starting to fear for my safety. FML
Today, the bus I needed to catch, that replaced the train I needed to catch, to get the flight home was full. I had to get a taxi instead. £140 to the nearest working train station. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML
Today, I got home an hour late from to find that my roommate had left the fridge open for the entire 8 hours. The kicker is that I was an hour late because I was at the grocery store, not buying the things that were getting ruined because I thought we had some. FML
Today, my son and his girl best friend have been dancing around each other for a year, unwilling to make the first move. It's a great source of entertainment for my wife, while I just want to yell at them to kiss already, but my wife has threatened "CONSEQUENCES" if I ruin the fun she has watching their teen drama. FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen and found a friend of my sister's stripped down to just her panties changing her clothes. In the kitchen. She had the nerve to call me a peeping Tom and slap me. Why was she even here without my sister, and why couldn’t she use the bathroom to change? FML
Today, my mom has a new boyfriend. She insists he’s a good catch, because he makes enough from unemployment to afford Netflix and smoke weed every day, never mind that he doesn’t have a car, or a home of his own, or his original teeth, or underpants without holes in them. FML
Today, my friend invited me over for a sleepover. Only she didn’t tell me until it was time to go to bed that she expected me to sleep on the floor, as she had three dogs sleeping on the couch, and two more in her bed. She could’ve at least warned me to bring an air mattress or something. FML
Today, it's been so long since I heard from him, I had to look at my boyfriend's Facebook page to see if we're still in a relationship. FML
Today, it seems my body wants me to be a hermit: alone in nature for days, I'm fine. Yet to any kind of stress – like being at the office or in a social setting – my body reacts with smelly sweats, extreme bloating, and frequent flatulence. FML
Today, while I was gaming, a girl using voice chat was probably the most polite person I have ever encountered in my life. It was only after I logged off that I realized she spoke to me with more affection and respect than my own mother ever has in my entire life. FML
Today, I heard a scream that sounded suspiciously like my cat when he's just had a nightmare or is otherwise in a state of extreme distress. I found him chilling on my couch, so I walked back to my room, when I heard the scream again. I ran back and he was still chilling. It was my neighbor's son screaming outside. FML
Today, as a prank my brother handcuffed me to the pole in the bus and ran out with my phone. The bus driver couldn’t hear me upstairs, so I was driven all the way to the end of the line, and without my phone I couldn’t even pay the fare for a return trip. I had to walk 7 miles home in heels. FML
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