Today, I came back to work after being out for a week. As I walked to the back of the store, I threw my hands up and yelled, "I'm back bitches". Right after I said it, I noticed my boss was behind me. I was then taken to the office and wrote up for foul language on my first day back. FML
Today, I was on the train and a woman approached me from behind and told me that if I didn’t stop staring at her, she’d kill me slowly and painfully, then she pulled out a switchblade to support her argument. I wasn’t looking at her at all and was in fact looking in the opposite direction. FML
Today, after dealing with a monstrously painful canker sore for the last two weeks, it finally healed up. I was so relieved that I went out to lunch… and immediately stabbed myself in the gums with a tortilla chip. FML
Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus, or blowing blood. FML
Today, I was working from home and had an important meeting with my superiors. It was fine until my sleepy wife came in and asked if I could find a better time for calls. I didn't notice her right away and failed to disable my camera. She was fully naked, and I received an email about inappropriate behaviour later. FML
Today, I found out that the motivational quote I've been living by for months is actually from a misattributed SpongeBob SquarePants meme. No wonder my colleagues looked at me strangely during team meetings. FML
Today, my subordinate didn't come to work. I called him several times, and it seemed like he just overslept, which has happened before. As I was filing the report about this, the police came to interrogate me because this guy took his life last night and blamed us in his note. I have no idea what I did wrong. FML
Today, I went to a Nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming, "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML
Today, my GPS led me to a "shortcut" that took me through a winding dirt road in the middle of nowhere. My car got stuck in the mud, and the tow truck driver told me I was the third person he's pulled out this week from the same "shortcut." FML
Today, I received a LinkedIn connection request from my mom. Turns out, she's way better at networking than I am. FML
Today, I failed to notice a nice ripe pile of dog poop on my front yard until I got to work. I tried to clean my shoe off with alcohol wipes in the bathroom. Not only did it barely work, the wipes are non-flushable. FML
Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML
Today, I visited a friend's house, where I found out he has a trio of very friendly cats in his yard. After playing with them for a bit, I went inside. An hour later, my friend informed me that one of them had died. None of them were showing any signs of being near death. I'm sad and confused. FML
Today, we got a notification about a test in my official college group. I decided to bitch about it with my friends in our group… Unfortunately, I didn't realise I'd actually said all of it in the official college group. FML
Today, I bought my third replacement cable for my new laptop after the last two didn't fit. I was about to go and buy another one when I realized that the charging port was actually on the other side and the hole I had been trying to fit the cable in was the headphone port. FML
Today, while playing golf on a local course, my idiot of a friend decided to push his pushcart down a massive hill towards me. When he realized that I was going to be hit, he screamed for me to move, but it was too late. I collapsed to the ground in pain, all while he chuckled about the situation. FML
Today, I watched my future son-in-law try and fail to parallel park 8 times before he gave up and started crying. That’s the 4th time he’s cried this weekend. I’m trying so hard to understand why my daughter loves him. He’s an unemployed little crybaby, with a man bun. FML
Today, I sent a message to vent about my boring team meeting to the team group chat instead of to my friend. Everyone responded with a virtual slow clap. FML
Today, I was working on entering a lot of information in the system. When I'd finished, I closed the screen to move on to the next steps, my boss came by to see how I was doing, just in time to see me looking at a now-blank screen. I'm convinced that my boss thinks I closed a screen that wasn't work related. FML
Today, my 16-year-old daughter handed me the picture she wants TV reports to use if ever she happens to get kidnapped. FML
Today, I was told by my doctor that I could keep taking my Rheumatoid Arthritis meds and be severely depressed, or go off of them, possibly not be depressed, but be in extreme pain. I’m deciding between my mental health and physical health and I hate it. FML
Today, six years after I gave up my newborn to my sister to raise, I finally told him I’m his real mom. In response, my sister took out a restraining order against me and blocked all forms of contact. The entire family has sided with her. FML
Today, I tried to get ready for a final. I had about six hours to study. My girlfriend decided to help by jabbering loudly in my ear about celebrity gossip, noisily cleaning the office and losing my notes, and getting in a screaming argument with her mom over the phone. FML
Today, I forgot the golden rule when having windows open on your computer: always check which one you are typing in before hitting Enter to send. Me detailing my plan to fake a doctor's appointment for an extra day off to who I thought was my girlfriend means I now have to explain my miraculous recovery to my boss tomorrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's OK, though, she says we can still go on the vacation I planned next month for our 3 year anniversary, just "as friends." The tickets are non-refundable. FML
Today, I discovered the office coffee machine had been replaced with a complex espresso maker. I'm so introverted that instead of asking for help, I spent the day googling how to operate it, all to end up with a cup of lukewarm frothed milk. FML
Today, after meeting the love of my life two weeks ago and moving him in to start our life together, my kids have run off to live with their dads. Apparently they are “not dealing with another new dad.” FML
Today, I returned from wading in a foot of snow to go to a hearing and back, and opened my emails. My boss had sent me an email on Friday at 4:30 telling me I didn't have to go in. On Friday, there was the company Christmas party. He was there. So was I. He told me nothing. Nor did he call me. FML
Today, I went to a party that had a "dress like rock stars" theme. I got all the gear necessary to dress as Ozzy Osbourne. A wig, round sunglasses, a crucifix on beads, the usual stuff. Not one person at the party knew who Ozzy Osbourne was. Nor Black Sabbath for that matter. Someone thought I was Meatloaf. FML
Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML
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