Today, I saw the guy who helped me yesterday when I was lost by telling me which bus to take. He came up to me and asked me how it went. I told him that the bus went the exact opposite way I wanted to go. He laughed and said, "I know." FML
Lemurcat tells us more.
I did not expect this to get published! Just to fill you guys in a bit, I did check the buses before leaving home since I just moved here the day before. I like to double check because my memory is poor so I did ask the bus driver, but she said she didn't go to that perticular bus stop (the bus stop near my house for those who are wondering, and yes, she did stop there, she was just confused because I didn't know the streets and was describing landmarks) and she kinda just blew me off. So I was standing around, confused like an idiot and this guy told me to take bus 6. He sounded like he was legitamently trying to help, and I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, so stupid me took his advice. However, I'm not the kind of person to confront people so, I just called him a dickhole and walked away. I wish I could tell you guys that I kicked his ass, but oh well. I did figure out the buses and I'm riding like a pro now. And I even got a booklet to help me if I'm ever lost again. :D
Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML
Today, I found a credit card at my job. As store policy goes, we have to cut up lost cards immediately after finding them to protect the cardholders. As I grab the scissors and cut, my manager calls out, "Has anyone seen my credit card?" FML
Today, a classmate's mother called my phone, threatening to have my dorm room raided for drugs. Why? She saw our text messages discussing where he would pick up the textbook I borrowed and thought it was the new "code name" for weed. FML
Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML
Today, a woman called the store I work for. When she found out it was a wrong number, she started to cry and asked me to stay on the line with her, talking about her dead husband and how she hasn't laughed in years. FML
icy_in_indiana tells us more.
To those who said I'm selfish for saying FML, I was just following the conventions of the site. Trust me, the situation was awkward for me, but I so feel so much more sorry for the lady who called. She was meaning to call who I assume to be family or a friend to ask for toilet paper, but instead called the grocery store. I stayed on the line for a short while, but since we're not allowed to take personal calls at work, I had to refer her to someone else. I can only hope that she found someone to keep her company.
Today, I taught a college course with a group of 30 adults. I was educating them on leadership and gave a 25 minute lecture, with examples like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, and how they changed the world. Then I opened the forum to see who inspired them. The response? Donald Trump. FML
Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years-old. FML
Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML
Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML
Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet's. When the vet took her temperature anally, I couldn't stop laughing. The vet had to ask me to leave the room. FML
FreeChocolate tells us more.
I didn't expect to be published! By the way, the cat is the one in my photo. To be fair, the vet asked me if I would like to leave while he did it and I accepted. This was also due to the fact that the cat kept trying to climb into my hood because I'm familiar to her. It was just a routine checkup, she was perfectly fine. I don't blame you for thinking I deserved it, I don't deny it was cruel of me to laugh at her. But she just made the most surprised and indignant face and she was running away from him. She actually did hop off the table and try to escape!
Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML
Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML
Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML
Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML
Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML
Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML
Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML
Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML
Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML
Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML
Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought a onesie. He sleeps in it, goes out in it and won't take it off, not even for sex. FML
BabeWithBrains tells us more.
Wow, I didn't think I would get published. Let me clear some things up:) -My boyfriend and my brother-in-law are best friends and bought onesies together. They have been wearing them all night and day. They are a bit crazy, but fun. -My boy works outside in snow, so that's why he wore it to work. -It's also below zero where I live so it's cold at night, hence the bed wearing. -The sex however... Well, there is basically a slit in the back and buttons in the front. He thought it was hilarious, but it won't be happening again. I guess it's just something that he wanted to try and I love him so I did it. Oh, and it doesn't smell.. Yet. ;)
Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML
Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML
Today, I got to spend all of my time scrubbing poop off the walls and carpet because my 2-year-old decided he wanted to 'paint mama a picture.' FML
ashsaunde tells us more.
Hey OP here! First off, thanks for publishing this. It's the first one I've ever submitted. Secondly, yes he was finger painting with it as well as wiping his butt on everything in his room. We're in the middle of potty training so he thought he was helping by cleaning himself off. I also had to clean him and all of his stuffed animals up because he got it EVERYWHERE. Yes, he did get punished in an appropriate way because he's not gonna know it was wrong unless I teach him. And to the comment that I said I need to watch him better, it was while he was napping in his room. Any parent knows you can't watch your kids constantly.
Today, I learned that when your mom threatens to embarrass you by singing in public, the wrong response is, "Yeah? I dare you." FML
ballplaya52 tells us more.
ballplaya52 10
Hey all! OP here. I just a wanted to clear a few things up. I know the wording may have been confusing and given you all the wrong image. When I said that she'd embarrass me by singing in public, I literally meant singing. To me. About me. In public. Loudly. Like not even a real song. But when I read over it when it got published, it sounded to me like people could interpret it like she would sing karaoke or something. Anyways it only lasted a minute or so so it wasn't that bad, but we did get some stares. And for those comments saying to live a little, I don't sing or dance in public as a personal rule because I'm not any good at either. Anyways thanks to the moderators for publishing this and I will see you guys around on this awesome website :)
Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML
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