Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML
Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML
Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML
Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "Shit!", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother." FML
Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML
Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML
Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off." She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language." FML
Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML
Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML
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Top comments
NessaMae 19
Maybe your husband should keep his thoughts to himself. You never know who can hear you when you mutter. Even if you think no one can.
auro7 18
Wow, seems like he went balls deep on that one. No..? Okay.
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Comments (137)
NessaMae 19
Maybe your husband should keep his thoughts to himself. You never know who can hear you when you mutter. Even if you think no one can.
cheshirecat13242 32
Santa Clause hears you when you mutter..
JCRouzer29 27
Some guys have great hearing but most girls and I'd say all good mothers hear EVERYTHING!
miasaur 11
yes, women hear all and see all
Zimmington 21
I think he secretly wanted her to hear it.
Sports_guy3 28
Whose side are you on?
incoherentrmblr 22
#85: So, women are the government now?...
jlmontgomery 11
Yes....yes we are! LMAO
Blavock 12
Maybe the mother should learn to take a joke and stop being a bitch
Kamon97 23
Why the hell would he say that? >.
Welshite 40
His mother-in-law stiffed him on some cookies. That's grounds for a fight. Honestly though, he sounds immature. The fact that he could be heard from a completely different room suggests that he wanted to be heard.
greeneyebeauty9 28
I don't know. I'm surprised he had the balls to say it, though.
Odis12 11
I can't be the only one who laughed uncontrollably about this. Can I? Well then..
gotaplanstan 28
cuz hes a winner and a keeper, obviously
Bigfabthetruth52 22
Ur not.as unwarranted to the comment was that shit was pretty funny.
Zimmington 21
What in the **** are you trying to say #73?!
Zebediabolical 45
He probably said it because he wants his balls gargled.
Karcasm 7
#69, you're not alone. Teehee, 69.
Cavsfodawin 21
Because her mom is a bitch. Duh
booboohoney 12
Wow your husband is a bit rude and childish.
WeiXinLun 16
So are all men
BlueFlatts 20
Everyone has been a bit rude and/or childish like this at some point. Whether or not it gets posted on FML for everyone to judge is a different story.
Genociiide 15
Real men aren't that childish only little boys are.
emily689 25
He needs to learn to keep those comments to himself..
Zimmington 21
You're a bit shallow and pedantic.
AnOriginalName 19
But #76, how will he communicate his hopes and wishes if he doesn't speak up?
auro7 18
Wow, seems like he went balls deep on that one. No..? Okay.
LittleSushi_fml 13
I'm talking 'bout balls deep!
airforce987 20
1)Get family members at war with each other 2)Sell weapons to both sides 3) ?????? 4) Profit
karlcolt45 19
UNDERPANTS
theaaxis 27
Welcome to the United States of 'Murica.
Enslaved 38
"Got an AK-47 for his best friend Business the American way"
eddeeezzyy 19
If both sides of your family are of the same ethnicity, I guess you could consider this as a civil war.
ThatsMyPie 20
'MURICA
botanistjessica 24
Ethnicity has nothing to do with civil wars.
eddeeezzyy 19
That's true, my mistake. I guess I was thinking differently because of recent wars. For instance, the Syrian rebels vs. Syrian Gov and Libyan rebels vs. Libyan Gov.
faihai44 1
Your husband is a ******* disrespectful twat people like that should go to hell
NoFightinDestiny 9
Oh the irony.
NotAddictive 6
"disrespectul twat people" ha.
Zimmington 21
#6, you do know that in the Bible it says condemning people (saying they should/would/are going to hell) is a sin in itself right? So you'll be there right along with him... Have fun
cjlerch 29
#90 is right. Condemning people is a sin in itself. And I may as well point out that his picture goes along very nicely with his comment.
Welshite 40
That was uncalled for. Your husband needs a stern talking to.
raisinbam 13
She didn't catch her son smoking pot, idiot.
cyttex 13
Welshite is not an idiot, don't be rude.
abhi95 31
I bet your mom approves of him now! After all these years! Who'd have known..
alshygirl 14
My mom would beat my husband's ass if he said that
sabriyyahwitter 6
Lol word
Welshite 40
Lol isn't a word. It's an acronym.
cheshirecat13242 32
25--what about lawl?
Welshite 40
A dyslexic person once misspelled "wall". His friends thought it was funny so it stuck.
conman531 23
Lol is a word. OMG is too. They have been added to the English dictionary. Genius
Dthsapprntc 23
I just had to look up lol now and it is in the dictionary, Merriam-Webster to be exact, as an abreviation. So still not a word. Same for OMG.
Enslaved 38
Omg-- Is that like "scuba" and "laser"? Lol
boating_guy 33
technically I think so. but the other abbreviations have enough vowels/vowels in the right places to actually constitute being a word. where trying to pronounce the three letters "omg" it just sounds kind of funny, and is commonly known to stand for something longer
Zimmington 21
#9, Your mom needs anger management & a sense of humour.
slickchrome 11
I forgot what the fml is about
conman531 23
God I'm sorry that was not meant for this person! Now I feel bad
NessaMae 19
Not to mention it was extremely rude
Bano360 25
Rude? Maybe. It's definitely hilarious.