Nearly FMLs

By red_owl - 26/02/2016 22:38 - United States - Hudsonville

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went to the kitchen to get a snack wearing only a shirt. His dad got home and meet me for the first time, he's one of my teachers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By javajav - 26/02/2016 22:29 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, At school I learn't that all my so called friends only hang out with me to get to talk to my girlfriend because she's more interesting than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By cannon - 26/02/2016 22:13 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend and just as I was about to finish her dog jumped on the bed and bit my dick. Now I'm sitting in the hospital... Fml

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By tyty_k - 26/02/2016 22:13 - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, in front of my work mates, one of the Down's syndrome girls I look after patted my belly and said "oh baby" she was so adorable I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By J - 26/02/2016 21:53 - United States - State College

Today, a girl that i had a thing for approached me and said "who are you looking cute for?", jokingly i replied, "you", to which she immediately vomited on my face and ran away. I have a job interview in 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anonymous - 26/02/2016 21:51 - United States - Houston

Today, I was released from college early to see a doctor about abdominal pain. My friends and family were worried to hell about it. Turns out it was just a piece of feces stuck in my intestine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anonymouse - 26/02/2016 21:49 - United States - Blairsville

Today, my daughter asked me what the normal age was to have sex. I said "you should wait until marriage." She said "shoot" and walked away. She is 12 years old.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By kelsey1993 - 26/02/2016 21:45 - Australia - Blackwood

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me because his overbearing mother told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 21:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, feeling I had nobody to turn to for help. I tried calling the suicide help line. It was busy. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Rian42 - 26/02/2016 21:40 - United States - Newark

Today, I am on medication for anxiety. The meds are working well but it makes me very tired. I have been falling asleep in half of my classes for more than 2 weeks now. I can't get off the meds even if i wanted to. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 21:13 - United States - Willard

Today, I became the most hated employee at my job. Why? Some guy I work with told everyone I was his girlfriend, and when I confronted him-- he played it out as if I was publically dumping him. I'm gay, and have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By 3liseTheBeast - 26/02/2016 21:11 - United States - Ogden

Today, I went to go get fingerprinted for my new job that I'm supposed to be starting next week. Apparently, my hands are so smooth, that my fingerprints are virtually nonexistent. They require that they have my fingerprints before I'm allowed to start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By flatstan - 26/02/2016 21:10 - United States - Delaware

Today, the girl of my dreams showed up at my party. She had been eyeing me up all night. When it came time for bed, she asked to sleep in the bed with me. Next thing I knew she was on top of me naked. I couldn't get it up to put it in her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 21:10 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, our car got stuck on a wet muddy road, so we called a tow truck. The tow truck pulled up behind us, and got stuck too. The tow truck is now calling a tow truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By 3liseTheBeast - 26/02/2016 21:05 - United States - Ogden

Today, I used my lunch hour at my current job to go and get fingerprinted for the new job I'm starting next week. They need the fingerprints before I can start. My hands are so smooth, that I basically have no readable fingerprints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By SOILEDIT - 26/02/2016 20:57 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, it is my birthday. No wishes for a happy birthday from anyone, but I did receive a valuable life lesson from my grandpa when I woke up: Always use a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By FatherStalinHelpMe - 26/02/2016 20:56 - United States - Allentown

Today, in history class my group presented a project on Totalitarian Russia, which is normal except for the fact that we were supposed to present over a week from now, but so many people either were absent or skipped school that we were the only "prepared" group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 20:45 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I was finishing washing my dishes in the kitchen down the hall before going to my exam. My roommate didn't see me in there and locked me out of our dorm room. I had no keys or phone. I ran around the whole dorm looking for an RA to unlock my room. This happened 15 minutes before my exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Kiernan151 - 26/02/2016 20:32 - United States

Today, I was erbed papers for my dog "Viciously attacking" the Fed-ex guy. Normally this would be understandable, but I was there when the alleged attack happened, and my dog was inside the house while I was outside with the Fed-Ex guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By sharkfacehuskies - 26/02/2016 20:05 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was getting naughty with my significant other when we hear his dad outside the door singing to himself, "brown chicken brown cow". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Mikey - 26/02/2016 20:03 - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend assaulted me by smashing a plate over my face, cutting my lip and breaking my eye socket. She blamed it on being on her "period." FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By It burns - 26/02/2016 20:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my wife told me she wanted to try something new in the bedroom. She warned me it might hurt a little. I said sure because I like new things. She tied me to the bed and proceeded to give me a hand job using icy hot as lube. Needless to say it hurt more than a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 19:53 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I have noticed that all my boyfriend does is lay around and do nothing. He is 24 and doesn't have a job, while I'm 20 and went to college and is learning a trade that is putting money in my pocket. Sounds like a year and a half gone to waste on someone I thought would not drag me down. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anon - 26/02/2016 19:38 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend "What's for dinner?" His response? "Your moms tits." He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By doughnutmaker - 26/02/2016 19:24 - United States - Burlington

Today, I caught one of my employees spraying donut batter with Febreeze because he'd accidentally coughed into it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By rikothedeathangel - 26/02/2016 18:57 - United States - Blacklick

Today while driving home from work, a huge chunk of snow slid off the roof of a U-Haul truck I was trying to pass and destroyed my windshield. Had to get my car towed and am waiting for my windshield to be replaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By two2blue - 26/02/2016 18:49 - United States - Madison

Today, for the 3rd time in a row, an emergency came up that means my long-distance bf can't leave on time to come see me for the weekend. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 18:49 - United States - Dubuque

Today, I found out that my fiancé is my half sister that my mom put up for adoption. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Grounded forever - 26/02/2016 18:36 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my cat pulled a used condom from the trash and put it on my super Conservative mother's pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By vannahrose15 - 26/02/2016 18:25 - United States - Denver

Today, I fell for the oldest scam in the book, I hope "Sam" in Nigeria likes my old tablet. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 804

You deserved it 6 891

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 097

You deserved it 2 913

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I added an old high school friend on Facebook. She claims this person is getting in the middle of our relationship. I haven't talked to him in years, and he lives across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 177

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 300

You deserved it 1 468

Today, it was the first dress rehearsal at a community theater. I'm playing a grandma to a bunch of little kids, and the guy who is playing the grandpa wears a fat suit. I put on my costume and one of the kids comes up to me and says, "Are you wearing a fat suit too?" and pokes my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 721

You deserved it 6 983

Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 541

You deserved it 2 901