Nearly FML

By whateverugh12 - 25/02/2016 18:32 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I came back home from a 1 month trip. My mother picked me up from the airport and as soon as we reached home I rushed forward to hug my 2 year old Bichon whom I missed so dearly, and all it did when it saw me was trot towards my mother greeting her after her two-hour absence. FML

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By tkdbb11790 - 25/02/2016 18:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, after spending nearly a month waiting for my car to get repaired after a major accident, I got my car back. I drove off the lot and got rear ended not 200ft from the body shop. FML.

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By pain and illness - 25/02/2016 18:23 - United States - Peoria

Today, I had emergency surgery on my gull bladder, while in recovery they noticed my spleen needed to be removed too! FML

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By TordNorski - 25/02/2016 18:13 - United States - Riverside

Today, I was in a hurry to get to the store. I threw a treat for my dog and put my wallet into my pants. It wasn't until I got to the register and pulled out a treat that it occurred to me what happened. FML

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By Proud mommy . . . NOT - 25/02/2016 18:09 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, my 12yo son reported his older brother to the police for trying to kill him with an axe . . . in an online internet game. His older brother doesn't even live in this part of the country anymore. The police laughed at me all the way from my front door back to their car. FML

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By Sore Balls - 25/02/2016 18:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my gf came into the bedroom wearing sexy lingerie and high heels. She said she wanted to try something new that she saw online. I said sure since I am always up for trying new things. She told me to close my eyes and then kicked me in the balls. It hurt like hell but turned her and me on. FML

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By Claire - 25/02/2016 18:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend's mother is forcing us to move out of our house. Why? Because she consulted a psychic in India who told her someone committed suicide in our house. Apparently the evil spirit is causing our depression and anxiety and trying to kill us. We have exams for the next 2 months. FML

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By TordNorski - 25/02/2016 18:02 - United States - Riverside

Today, I was so sleep deprived that I confused an airhorn for my deodorant. FML

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By ohno - 25/02/2016 17:57 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was complementing my fiancé on his hair as I ran my fingers through it. He responded "Thanks, but I'm going to bald in a year, just like my dad". Bye bye gorgeous hair and nice wedding photos. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/02/2016 17:41 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I found out that finally my fat lazy, always sick, Liar of a co-worker is getting sacked; this would be great for the department, if he was the only one going. As I was informed shortly after that all my hard work counts for nothing! As I am getting sacked too – FML

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By mavinochi - 25/02/2016 17:26

Today, I was using my neighbours WiFi to download a 16 Gb file without permission. The light's went out and the dowwnload consumed all of my 500mb data limit, FML

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By Anonymous - 25/02/2016 17:21 - United States - Junction City

Today, I found out that my ex-best friend has a girlfriend. This wouldn't be a problem if the reason we aren't friends anymore is because promptly after I poured my heart out to him about much I was in love with him, he told me he doesn't want a girlfriend because he is going into the military. FML

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By gurl_fmler - 25/02/2016 17:15 - India - Hyderabad

Today, my younger brother is mad at me about the fact that I don't like his favorite actor. It's been 2 weeks since he spoke with me and my mom thinks it's funny, FML.

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By unlucky - 25/02/2016 17:13 - United States - Palmdale

Today, I saw my crush of two years sitting in the cafe I was in. She didn't notice me so I sent her a friendly text asking where she was. I watched as she checked her phone, made a disgusted face, and put her phone back in her purse. She never responded. FML

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By Badluckolsen - 25/02/2016 17:10 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was driving down the interstate when all of the sudden the car in front of me's trunk opened, letting a barrage of TVs, couches and chairs to fly out at my car. One TV broke my windshield and A couch took my car off the road into a ditch. Oh, and also my insurance refuses to cover it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/02/2016 16:58 - United States - Tulare

Today, I realized that my cat is much more likely to respond to me when I talk than my mom is. FML

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By awkwardslendy - 25/02/2016 16:43 - United States - Fairfax

Today, after convincing my long-term boyfriend that breaking up wasn't the right thing to do, he told me "But you still have to keep your promise about anal" in the middle of makeup sex... FML

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By onlyolivia - 25/02/2016 16:18 - United States - Elkridge

Today, my boyfriend told me my hair looked like Tina's from Napoleon Dynamite. I guess he forgot Tina was the "fat lard" llama. He meant to compare it to Trish's side pony tail. He thought his mix up was so funny that now when he makes me food, he says "Tina you fat lard come get some dinner". FML.

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By DailyWTF - 25/02/2016 16:15 - United States - Westerville

Today, one of the speakers in my car was not working. I went to the mechanic and got it checked out. He opened up the access panel and pulled out an almost fully melted popsicle that my seven year old cousin was eating while in the car with me a few days ago. The cost for damages is $98.00. FML

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By DrunkMom - 25/02/2016 15:48 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my single, drunken mother caused the most awkward situation of my life by asking my girlfriend if her father is "single and ready to mingle." FML

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By koala189 - 25/02/2016 15:47 - United States - Derwood

Today, I was substituting for a 6th grade class and wrote on the board that I was a retired teacher in cursive. A kid came up to me and asked, "Are you really a retarded teacher??" FML

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By Anna - 25/02/2016 15:38 - United States - Lisle

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of one year because he refuses to cut down on his pot usage. I didn't tell him to stop. I told him to cut back from his usual every day, twice a day. He proceeded to tell me that I can't run his life and that he will be moving to Colorado. Without me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/02/2016 15:34 - United States - Selden

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to change in the locker room. I accidentally put on someone else's underwear and didn't notice until I got home. FML

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By turtledude01 - 25/02/2016 15:32 - United States - Boardman

Today, while blowing my nose, my snot defied all physics and went directly into my mouth. FML

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By LizardLover - 25/02/2016 15:07 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I took my lizard to the vet after hours of agonizing labor. I basically paid him to tell me that reptiles lay eggs and that the baby lizard leg I'd been tugging on was a schlong. FML

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By kurla_021 - 25/02/2016 15:06 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was brushing my teeth and noticed that my toothbrush was a little dirty. I decided to clean it. I found mostly seeds and mold. Mold growing on my toothbrush. FML

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By onmyown? - 25/02/2016 14:42 - United States - Sawyer

Today, I'm 6 months pregnant and my husband told me he's quitting his job and it's up to me to finish school and get a job in my field to pay the bills as he doesn't intend on doing anything. Entry level salary into my career isn't high enough to support us and I still have 18 months to go. FML

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By Mr. X - 25/02/2016 14:19 - United States - Southborough

Today, my best friend admitted to screwing my dog. FML

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By LemonadeThief - 25/02/2016 14:11 - United States - Darien

Today, my son's business was robbed. This would've been fine if he wasn't a four year running a lemonade stand, or who had robbed him was a random elderly citizen taking a walk. FML

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By Alex191992 - 25/02/2016 13:38 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found gay fetish porn on my husband's search history. FML.

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Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

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Today, a shopper asked me where my nipples were. Seeing as I work in Babies'R'Us, this is a common question. I brought her over to the nursing equipment aisle where she then grabbed my nipples, gave them a twist, and walked away. I need a new job. FML

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Today, a German guy came into the place where I work. Eager to use the German that I'd learned from my immigrant mother and her family, I started a conversation. Things were going well until the term I grew up thinking meant "Africa" turned out to be racist, translating as "Ape Land." FML

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

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