Nearly FMLs

By PendingProdigy - 11/03/2016 00:51 - United States

Today, I was driving my upset wife home from work, she'd had a bad day so I tried cheering her up by holding her hand, she pulled away, I said "awww come on!" she said fine, then promptly wiped the booger she was holding onto my palm... FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Lonly - 11/03/2016 00:49 - United States - Carmel

Today I forgot to take my wedding ring off before a date, she ended up storming off after giving me a slap and poring a drink in my lap. that was my first date in the three years since my wife passed away FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By imdonewithstuff - 11/03/2016 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I got an email from a company that gave my mother a $15k bonus payment for working with them. She was forced to quit her job by her supervisor because she had cancer and now I'm the one getting non stop emails from the company asking us to pay them back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By kinkedrope - 10/03/2016 23:55 - United States - Tracy

Today, it's the second day in a row my dad has found something of mine in the driveway. Yesterday it was a pair of shorts in case it got warm. Today it was my bondage rope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By GoldCyclone - 10/03/2016 23:51 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I woke up with a tattoo on my arm of a girl who I've never seen before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By OptimusSlime - 10/03/2016 23:33 - United States - Sewell

Today, my father kicked me, my mom, and my two brothers out of our house. He didn't even bother to give us a roll of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By FailoutBoy - 10/03/2016 23:33 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I gave a homeless man $20. next thing I know, he's mugging me with a knife. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Evananjunli - 10/03/2016 23:31 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, a girl who's known that I've had a crush on her offered me a ride home. Being the idiot I was, I refused the offer without even thinking, saying I'd ride the bus. Now my mom is legitimately angry at me, yelling about how stupid I am, and that this why I'll never get a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

By anonymous - 10/03/2016 23:30 - United States - Katy

Today, I was lying in my bed watching television when my stomach started hurting. Assuming it was gas, I tried to quietly let one out. It wasn't until after I "farted" that I realized I'd actually shit myself. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Addiepop - 10/03/2016 23:22 - Australia

Today, my family buried my cat that I had since I was born in our front yard. I cried as I put some flowers on her grave, and then our neighbours kids ran over the grave and crushed the flowers with their segway boards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Special_Orange - 10/03/2016 23:19 - United States - Portland

Today, my class was working on a test. Today was also my first panic attack in almost a year. My teacher wouldn't let me get excused from the class, so I was stuck bawling in the middle of an otherwise silent room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By LostGirl9456 - 10/03/2016 23:11 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he admitted (rather proudly) that he uses his pee as a moisturizer. When I acted surprised he said, "Why do you think my face is so soft?" FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Jenny - 10/03/2016 23:05 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was in a rush to get to an interview. Putting last minute lipstick on while riding the bus, the driver slammed on the brakes for a red light. I panicked wiping it off and now everyone who knows me at the stop won't stop calling me the Joker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Dickchoo - 10/03/2016 22:59 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I managed to sneeze so hard I broke multiple blood vessels in my penis. I am in so much pain right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bloodymary213 - 10/03/2016 22:54 - United States - Falls Church

Today, my friend tickled me for 5 minutes straight. I decided to get her back, so I ran to her and tried to tickle her. The the process, I slammed my head against her tooth. After bleeding profusely from my temple, I'm now stuck with a huge headache. Her tooth is fine, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By voltroncmd - 10/03/2016 22:47 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, my cat jumped on my bed & went under the covers and cuddled up to me. She is usually not affectionate at all. I thought she was being cute, until I smelt this god awful smell then she got up and ran away. Turns out she had diarrhoea & used my bed as a litter tray. My sheets are white. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By MrMoshyFace - 10/03/2016 22:37 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, I made a new kik account and spilled my heart out to my crush. I had made the account on my phone and signed in. I sent the text from my tablet which was signed in to my original account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By What the eff - 10/03/2016 22:36 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, my best friend has kept every video of me drunk for the past 6 years and edited it into a 10 minute video for me. I was showing it to my wife when I noticed one of the videos was the time I got so drunk I had sex with another woman . My wife punches really hard when she's mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 3

By Anonymous - 10/03/2016 22:34 - United States - Jacksonville

Today,I had to call an ambulance because my younger sister almost drowned in the bath tub. She says she now identifies as "aqua-kin," and apparently her idiot friends on Tumblr have been trying to teach her how to breathe underwater. My parents blame me for not watching her. She's sixteen. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By HATE HATE HATE - 10/03/2016 22:25 - United States - Cedar Hill

Today, my husband suggested we seek marriage counseling. The reason? I hate the matrix movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By commandokid - 10/03/2016 22:16 - Canada - Dorval

Today, my car door decided my pants looked better around my ankles in my school's parking lot. I don't wear underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By ImNormallyWeird - 10/03/2016 22:13

Today, I walked in on my parents having sex. Aside from the horrifying image, they've been divorced for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By squishy - 10/03/2016 22:12 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend shat her pants in bed on a trip to Vegas on a spontaneous trip. I was in the bed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By latepaper - 10/03/2016 22:11 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today I finally finished my final paper that I've been slaving over for weeks. I went to submit it and discovered it was due at noon, not midnight like I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By rodfiddler32 - 10/03/2016 22:03 - United States - Salem

Today, I was jerking off in the bathroom, when a friend I've known for nine years walked in. We made eye contact and both froze. Just as I hoped he wouldn't look at my penis, he did. And smiled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By kristadc - 10/03/2016 22:01 - United States - Bad Axe

Today, I dropped a folded up piece of paper in class, the student next to me picked it up and handed it to me. The teacher saw this and yelled at us for passing notes, she then snatched it out of my hands and read it to the class. It was a sexual letter from my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Perry85 - 10/03/2016 21:55 - United States - Midland

Today, My car got stolen. I'm more upset at the fact my last pack of cigarettes were in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ow - 10/03/2016 21:55 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I got out of bed to go to the bathroom. Not realising the drawer under my bed was open, I hit my ankle on the corner of it and fell to the ground in agonising pain, peeing myself as I did so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By carmbees - 10/03/2016 21:41 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my teacher kicked me out of her course because I'm not smart enough for it. Just after starting to feel better, another teacher got mad at me for being "too happy" and said that it was inappropriate for someone my age to be that way. We weren't even doing work, but either way I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By for fucks sake - 10/03/2016 21:35 - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, I unbuttoned my pants and belt so they wouldn't be cutting my circulation to drive more comfortably but decided to stop and buy a soda. It's due to the weird looks I got as I stepped out forgetting I had unbuttoned my pants and belt hanging out FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 954

You deserved it 367

Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 016

You deserved it 5 988

Today, during our date, I burst into tears like a nutjob because out of the 10 or so guys I’ve gone out with since I turned 17, literally none of them have been as nice to me as this one has. I got so emotional, we had to leave because of everyone staring at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 285

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 585

You deserved it 3 087

Today, I had sex with a guy on our third date. We'd just finished having sex and he was blatantly on Tinder right next to me in bed. I literally hadn’t moved yet and he still had a wet boner, and yet he was on Tinder looking for his next hookup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 371

Today, my mother-in-law flushed my pain medicine because she believes I’ve been using it too long and I’m addicted. I had surgery four days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 821

You deserved it 162