Nearly FML

By ElaborateScheme - 11/03/2016 05:21 - United States - Palm Beach Gardens

Today, I was going to meet my girlfriends parents. I decided since her parents had to go somewhere afterwards I could get intimate with her for a while. So earlier I went to buy some condoms to use. Guess who my cashier from earlier turned out to be. FML

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By didnthelp - 11/03/2016 05:15 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I was told I would be getting a shot to help with the ovarian pain I have been having. I was excited about the relief and didn't think much of the shot until my doctor stuck the six inch needle straight into my ovary. I feel terrible. FML

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By SteveBassist - 11/03/2016 05:07 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, as I was settling down dozing off, I heard a child's laughter from downstairs. My neighbours have no kids, and I live alone. I'm terrified. FML

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By heyitshopeee - 11/03/2016 04:42 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, my ex called me. I thought he was going to want to get back with me, so I said "I'm surprised it took you this long to realize how good I was to you". Turns out he just wanted his guitar. FML

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By Disabled_Mom - 11/03/2016 04:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at work, I saw a shirt in a catalog that said "cute but psycho". I remarked to co-worker that I was thinking of getting it but didn't want to offend anyone. Another co-worker overheard our conversation, then promptly went to tell our supervisor I was making fun of the mentally ill. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 04:19 - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have loud sex for the first time. It was perfect... Until we later found out that his family had returned home right in the middle. FML

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By iaintnosidehoe - 11/03/2016 04:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said the cutest thing. "You're beautiful and the only girl I care about!" Too bad it was to my best friend instead of me. FML.

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By changeddog - 11/03/2016 04:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, while doing a project on my moms computer, I came across dozens of pictures and videos of her having sex. No amount of porn will ever get that image out of my head. FML

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By youdontsay123456 - 11/03/2016 04:07 - United States - Dallas

Today, I realized I need to hit the gym more often. How? I took a class at the gym, and I was more wiped out than a 70 year old, a very overweight woman, and a pregnant lady. They left completely fine while I was barely breathing. FML

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By Eleora - 11/03/2016 03:59 - United States - San Marcos

Today, an extremely beautiful girl came up to me and started conversing with me. After a while, she asked me out on a date. I then proceeded to ask why she thought I was lesbian/Bi. Her response- "Every girl over 5'9 is lesbian, because they're too tall for any of the hot guys." Well then... FML

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By DayTooLate - 11/03/2016 03:56 - United States - Semmes

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl that I've had a crush on for a few months how I felt. As I was walking up to her, prepared to confess my feelings, I found her making out with my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 03:42 - United States

Today, the six year old I babysit asked if I was hurt. I said no and asked why she thought that? My crotch area was completely drenched in blood. I pissed myself whilst on my period as I sat on their couch. FML

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By sharquisha - 11/03/2016 03:38 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had conditioning for lacrosse. The coaches decided to let us play dodgeball, but made it very clear that there were no headshots allowed. I got nailed in the head, causing my nose to bleed. FML.

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By BeccaRaye - 11/03/2016 03:38 - United States - Appleton

Today, I missed most of my lunch break. Why? Because the girl, who my husband has dubbed my stalker, was working where we decided to get lunch. Instead of taking my order she decided to tell me every last detail of her life. I now know how big her boyfriends penis is. FML

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By Perry85 - 11/03/2016 03:31 - United States - Midland

Today, I just caught my toddlers red handed. Literally, they had a red pen and they got the ink all over themselves and their beds. FML.

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By anonymous - 11/03/2016 03:27 - United States - San Diego

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I like. Afterwards, he spotted that aunt flow had come to visit me..... all over his new 100 thread count sheets and $2000 mattress he got one week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 03:25 - United States

Today I had surgery done on my foot and was told that I had to stay the night. Now first of all I am a female that is currently on her cycle. Secondly, the disposable underwear I was given can be bled through. There was so much blood on the bed that I had to be transferred to q new room. FML.

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By Dantheman - 11/03/2016 03:23 - United States - Edinburgh

Today, During a therapist-encouraged dance class (to overcome my social anxiety), My assigned partner and I were trying a new lift for the first time, only when I went to grab her hip, I accidentally grabber her crotch. I'm now back in therapy, except with a freshly broken nose. FML

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By uhohitslisa2 - 11/03/2016 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was walking to the mall to meet my best friend. Thinking it was her that was calling me, I answered my phone in a funny voice. It turned out to be the manager from a store I applied to. FML

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By shibemines - 11/03/2016 03:18 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a wonderful idea to drop a pound of flour on my head. it knocked me out, broke my nose, and the cherry on top of all that was the doctors telling me that my baby is fine... I didn't know I was pregnant, FML.

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By blegh - 11/03/2016 03:17 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. She started her period. FML

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By I can't taste a thing - 11/03/2016 03:14 - United States - Westport

Today, I had nose surgery to correct a defect so that I could breathe out of it again and not get sick all the time. When I got up to go to the bathroom, my little brother opened the door and hit me right smack in the face and broke my nose. Time for nose surgery #2. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 03:04 - United States - Akron

Today, while visiting the doctor, the nurse asked for a "sample". For some reason, I assumed she meant semen. After 20 minutes of beating the bishop, I came out with my sample....She was looking for urine. FML

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By hailstan - 11/03/2016 03:02 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, at work someone searched "how to sacrifice a goat to satan" on my computer and I got written up for inappropriate computer use. After I found out who used my computer I confronted my boss and once again got written up for mocking someone's religious beliefs. FML

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By rivimatt - 11/03/2016 02:03 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that 3 of my friends had a rousing week long debate about how they don't want me with them on the trip to Alaska we've all been planning. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 01:48 - United States - Granger

Today, my friends pointed out that our boss's new assistant warmed up to me really quickly. I asked her about because she's normally cold to everyone else. Guess who just got reintroduced to their high school stalker? FML

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By anonymous - 11/03/2016 01:39 - United States - Lexington

Today, my lab partner came into class with a giant package of mint-flavored gum. It just so happens that I get sick from the scent of mint. That thing will last him at least another month. FML

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By jwill200 - 11/03/2016 01:31 - United States - Andrews

Today, while inside of Harris Teeter, I was really happy so I started absentmindedly dancing while shopping. The police were called on me because people in the store thought I was on drugs. FML.

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By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 01:21 - United States - Ridgefield

Today, when my BF got home from a long shift at work on his birthday I surprised him with a steak dinner followed by a foot massage, a back massage, and, of course, birthday sex. Apparently this still wasn't enough to keep him from asking if I'd be open to a threesome sometime. FML

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By sick saxophonist - 11/03/2016 01:11 - United States - Valley Cottage

Today, in the middle of a full dress rehearsal for my schools spring musical, I started feeling nauseous. I sit in the middle of the pit orchestra where there are no exits. I ended up puking my guts up into my saxophone and having to play the rest of the show like this. FML

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Jealousy Underwear Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

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Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

agreeclassic 40 484

vote type 1 3 841

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

agreeclassic 1 334

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Today, I had my window opened slightly, without a screen behind it. I walked into the living room and smelled a skunk. I looked out the window and saw a skunk, so I quickly closed the window. However, it was too late. Before I could do so, it turned and sprayed me, a few meters of my house, and our front porch too. FML

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Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

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Today, I went to the supermarket to buy just one item - a single, ripe avocado. After spending way too long choosing the perfect one, I got to the checkout counter. I'd left my wallet at home. I had to abandon my poor avocado. FML

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