Nearly FMLs

By ugh - 20/03/2016 00:17 - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, I discovered the hard way that my daughter has daddy issues. Lets just say hearing your daughter talk dirty and those moans? Not the best thing to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By KBear3109 - 20/03/2016 00:04 - United States - Plattsburgh

Today, and for the last 3 months, I have been dealing with various water problems in my apartment. A pipe burst causing my Bedroom to flood, the foundation leaked causing my bedroom and living room to flood, and now the bathroom sink is currently flooding. I can't afford to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Idiot1212222 - 20/03/2016 00:04 - United States - Albany

Was browsing pornhub and saw an amateur video that resembled my bedroom and immediately thought my wife had submitted one of our homemade sex tapes. It was our room, my wife was being fucked, but I didn't make an appearance.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By HylianBadger - 19/03/2016 23:41 - United States

Today at a red light, I had to deal with a homeless man jerking off on the crosswalk right in front of my car. Even after the light turned green, he refused to move until he finished all over the hood. I was too afraid for my safety to get out and do something. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By anotherschmuck - 19/03/2016 23:38 - United States - Lawrenceburg

Today, after a month of shopping for a car, I finally found the one. Somebody bought the car, while I was test driving it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Oh no. - 19/03/2016 23:36 - United States - Evans City

Today, my little sister lost her favorite stuffed animal. It was a small kitty cat that was black with orange stripes. I later found that my dog took a shit the colour of black and orange. I now have to tell her what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anon - 19/03/2016 23:36 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my dad admitted, after 17 years, that he switched me and my twin brother when we were only a couple months old as a joke. Apparently my name is actually Andy and I'm older. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Deadly Ass - 19/03/2016 23:32 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, while taking a dump, someone else came in to use the stall next to mine. Shortly after entering the bathroom and opening the stall door, I heard him say "Good grief" under his breath, followed by him quickly leaving. I guess the nickname "deadly ass" is quite suitable for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By flight of the turkeys - 19/03/2016 23:24 - United States - Frisco

Today, I just barely missed my flight. They put me on standby for another flight, but it was full. So they put me on standby for another flight. But it was also full. I am currently on standby for another flight. Guess what? It's full. FML!

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By carpenoctern - 19/03/2016 23:11 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, my mother informed me that my new laptop, that I'd received as a birthday present from my estranged father for schoolwork, was to be 'shared' between us. Apparently she needs it more than me because she has 'important work' to do on it. I don't even live with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Lady_epic - 19/03/2016 23:11 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, after a week feeling a bit queasy, I had gluten a few hours before I got a diagnosis of Coeliac disease. I then proceeded to try deep throating for the first time in a long time, only to have the gluten reappear all over my boyfriends dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By craptastic533 - 19/03/2016 22:35 - United States - Amherst

Today, I came home from a stressful night shift hoping to spend some quality time with my fiancé, since, for once, we were both home and awake at the same time. He woke up, picked a fight with me, then left the room. Ten minutes later I walked in on him jacking off on the living room couch. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 22:22 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, my ex girlfriend who I haven't seen in 15 months called me. She said she's pregnant and she knows that it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By KB - 19/03/2016 22:20 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, an employee sent his friends to come beat another employee up. Due to an argument yesterday between them. Which results in the employee's friend getting stabbed 3 times in the stomach. Then the guy runs into the store bleeding, scaring all the customers. And us being swarmed by police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By CouldntGetWorse - 19/03/2016 22:18 - United States - Niles

Today, I had to bury my dog that put down yesterday. Moments after I said my final goodbyes my phone rings, it's the store I had a interview for a few days back telling me that I didn't get the job. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Ray_cash617 - 19/03/2016 22:08 - United States - Killeen

Today, my mother in law gave me something to for me to hold while she put things away. She specifically said, "Be careful, don't drop it." Not only did I drop it and break it, its worth $3000 and I don't have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 22:00 - United States - Augusta

Today, I realized just how bad my social anxiety is when I had a panic attack whilst requesting to submit a piece of artwork to a group on Deviantart. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By kusje - 19/03/2016 22:00 - Netherlands

Today, at dinner at my parents my sister informed me that my dad is going to be a kidney donor for Barbara, my mom. In shock, thinking my mom is deadly ill, I look at my parents for an explanation. The kidney is for an acquintance that has the same name. My sister laughed at my shocked face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By chickenwife - 19/03/2016 21:56 - Australia - Oak Flats

Today, while having some fun with my husband after a big day of work at his chicken farm, he asked me to seductively lick his belly button. I reluctantly complied, only to find several tiny feathers stuck to my tongue and the taste of chicken poop that won't leave my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 21:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today while washing my hands I broke one of my fingers while drying my hands on a towel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 21:40 - United States

Today I learned that my boyfriend would rather buy my best friend a really expensive nice electric typewriter than a normal cheaper one for me because "she'll use it more." I'm writing a book and he knows this. fml

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Lacking Luggage - 19/03/2016 21:11 - Mexico

Today, I finally got a break from work and got to go on vacation with my family. At the airport they managed to loose all five of our bags and to top it off, the hotel we were staying at didn't have our room ready for over five hours. We had to wait in the lobby for that time. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Erebos_ - 19/03/2016 21:05 - United States - Choctaw

Today, I took a 20 minute crap because I'd been constipated for a little over a week. After I got out, my dad called me into his room and offered me a bottle of lube. He thought I was masturbating. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 20:59 - United States

Today, I staffed an event for an elem school. I saw a kindergartener with what I thought was a preteen girl. Thinking they were sisters, I said that they needed a parent with them at all times. The older one glared at me before pulling out her ID. She's older than I am. That was her daugher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By sweetascandy018 - 19/03/2016 20:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found an ad for a one bedroom apartment, that's pretty much the same as the one I live in right now, for $300 cheaper. I'm in subsidized housing. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By WittyMoron - 19/03/2016 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, while staying with my dad, we watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I was scared shitless. My dad though it'd be funny to say he was going to bed and then hide in my closet with a hockey mask and a chainsaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Mcstud1y - 19/03/2016 20:16 - United States - Cypress

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend at our favorite restaurant. When I walked in I saw 2 men arguing with her. I confronted them and defended her. That's when I found out all 3 of us have been sharing her for more than a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By jackothee - 19/03/2016 20:09 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, at my job as a door guard for a venue, a woman bitched me out for asking for identification before she entered and asked me to get my manager. I am not allowed to leave my post. Asking for ID is what I am paid for. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By whats the point - 19/03/2016 19:45 - United States - Norwich

Today, is my birthday. My mom was complaining that she never knows what to get me. I told her that the only thing I want is a watch, because I've never had one before. Nothing expensive or fancy. She forgot about the watch but I got another goddamn hairbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By stephcurryless - 19/03/2016 19:21 - United States - Bronx

Today, I signed up for a girls basketball tournament late. My team consisted of one girl who got the ball and froze and another who quit mid game. We were laughed off the court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 268

You deserved it 32 027

Today, I got a new name, which is “We” apparently. My supervisor keeps admonishing me about details, saying, “WE don’t do that” and, “WE make sure to do this”, while she herself simply does anything she pleases, including the opposite of what she tells me “we do”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 130

Today, I was visiting my mom for Easter weekend. I rarely visit her, since she lives on the other side of the state. She spent the nicest day of the visit sick all day in bed. It wasn't food poisoning, the doctors don't know what it was, but she was fine the next day, when it was raining and much colder, so no outdoors for us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 312

You deserved it 202

Today, I treated myself to an hour long massage. Halfway through, I mumbled, “Thank you” to the masseuse and, without thinking, added, “I love you.” There was a long pause. Then she patted my head and whispered, “You’re welcome.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 156

You deserved it 338

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency, and that I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom had ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 964

You deserved it 3 349

Today, my child told me when she makes enough money to support herself, she's never going to speak to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 867

You deserved it 1 188