Nearly FMLs

By ThinkHe'llChillTomorrow? - 18/03/2016 20:56 - United States - Hudsonville

Today, thanks to an eager partner and automatic locks, I now know what it feels like to throw up while giving a blowjob. In a car. With not nearly enough napkins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Will_Lawson - 18/03/2016 20:39 - United States - Nineveh

Today, While I was using a urinal in the bathroom at walmart the fattest sweaty guy decided to share my urinal and get his fucking piss on my new shoes. And with a smile he walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Bye - 18/03/2016 20:06 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, my wife told me in all seriousness that she 'ultimately wants to move abroad' because 'this country is a joke'. This is the first I've heard of it. You really couldn't tell me that before we got married? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By neawalkerthebear - 18/03/2016 20:05 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 6yrs decided he was done. How I found out? At my rehearsal dinner FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Queen_Of_The_Fae - 18/03/2016 20:01 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today I summoned the courage to ask out a guy I've liked for a while. He pretended not to hear. Twice. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Wyomingwannabe - 18/03/2016 19:57 - United States - Haverhill

Today, my car was broadsided by a car getting back on the highway after they took the wrong exit ramp. A state cop was witness. The driver screamed, "Why the F*** are you driving like that! You should have seen me coming." Yes, I always look for cars driving ONTO the highway from exit ramps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 2

By BadTeacher - 18/03/2016 19:53 - United States

Today, as a kindergarten substitute, a little boy told me he missed his dad. I told him that it was okay and he would be going home soon, but he replied, "no, he's dead" and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By dvds12 - 18/03/2016 19:34 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that I will be moving, leaving all my friends behind, selling our house and moving into a two bedroom apartment that I will have to share a bed with my mom, and start a new school in 11 grade FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By catherinecas - 18/03/2016 19:06 - United States - Lafayette

Today, while on campus I tried to use the elevator to get to class. After a few minutes of it not working I contacted maintenance and my professor. While waiting a student told the elevators were for the physically handicapped and not the mentally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By uhmhaicats - 18/03/2016 18:48 - United States

Today, my boss told me that he's changing my days off to just random days throughout the week when they have been set for the same two days for the past 6 months. I asked him why and he told me, "Because that's what you get for trying to plan ahead." laughed and walked away. fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bassist3415 - 18/03/2016 18:47 - United States - Quarryville

Today, I was fired because my performance over the past week has been inadequate. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't at home sick with a stomach bug for all of 2 days this past week. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By 4dadstoomany - 18/03/2016 18:44 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my gay dads who divorced 3 years ago are both married. They find it fun to see which pair of dad's can make more dad jokes or embarrass me more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By hidoggy - 18/03/2016 18:40 - United States - North Dartmouth

Today, like she has done 9 times before, my mother ecstatically told me that she gave away the family dog and replaced it with a new one. Apparently, she expected it to be well behaved despite her never bothering to train it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 18:29 - United States - Harrison

Today, I realised the homeless guy who has set up camp in my 24 hour gas station also throws his dirty toilet paper on the floor whenever he uses the restroom. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 18:21 - United States - Richmond

Today, after noticing a lack of laundry, I had to explain to my daughter yet again that continually wearing pantyliners is not a substitute for never changing your underwear or pants. She's almost 17. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 18:12 - United States

Today, and for the past 4 days, I've been fighting a miserable cold. Most of the time I've been rolled up in a quilt on the couch. I've made no attempt at housekeeping, and didn't realize how bad my cat's litterbox had gotten ... until she reminded me by peeing on my quilt, while I was in it.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 18:07 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my severely ADHD brother got mad at me and swapped my pills for his Adderall, all because I ate the last brownie. I'm seeing sounds and not in the good way. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Al - 18/03/2016 17:30 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my bathroom flooded. My roommate woke me up at 4am to tell me it had flooded. Instead of helping me.. the a hole then crawled back into her bed and went to sleep, while expecting me to take care of the cold water mess. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By okthatscool - 18/03/2016 17:28

Today, After a few hours of getting ready for a big interview, the manager called me to let me know that they no longer needed to interview me because they found someone. Turns out that someone is my mom.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 17:24 - United States - Plainfield

Today, I get a call from my mother. Apparently, the passengers in the car that I rear ended three weeks ago are suing my family and I for "injuries". I wasn't even going 20 miles an hour when I hit them, and they were both uninjured when we exchanged insurance. We filed no police report. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By juturnaamo - 18/03/2016 17:13 - United States - Miami

Today, I found my fully employed father sleeping on my front porch. Two days ago he was sleeping in my garage. He couldn't be bothered to show up for visits when I was a kid, but now he won't stop trespassing on my property. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Becca12002 - 18/03/2016 17:05 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boyfriend and I moved the bed, only to discover that the wall beside the bed is covered in black mold. That's new. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By embarrassing hospital trip - 18/03/2016 16:52 - Canada - Innisfail

Today, whilst petting the cat on my lap, the dog attacked, and the cat tore out of there, leaving a huge scratch across the length of my member. I don't think the doctor believes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By AceDefiance - 18/03/2016 16:41 - United States - Toledo

Today, I discovered that a few days ago my roommate poured bong water into my cup without telling me. I guess it makes sense why I was sick for entire next two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Hungry - 18/03/2016 16:41 - Germany - Augsburg

Today, I have to label my food for work before putting it in the fridge at home or else my mother feeds it to the dog and cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By desklamp - 18/03/2016 16:15 - United States - Killeen

Today, I trusted a fart at work. My trust was then broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By shellcos - 18/03/2016 16:09 - United States - Albany

Today, my alarm went off at 5:45, I got up, took a shower and started getting ready for work, only to remember I had the day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 16:06 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I got my hair cut shorter than usual. I went to the store to get something, and as I was checking out, the lady scanning my items looked straight into my eyes and said "you're very, very handsome." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By spanj - 18/03/2016 16:03 - United States - Maple Grove

Today, the only college I've been accepted to is the one that my grandparents work at, and they plan on surprising me on campus as often as possible. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By DyingForThin - 18/03/2016 15:48 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went to visit my doctor. I was informed that I had gained 6 lbs over the past week and a half. I've eaten a total of 743 calories in that week and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 023

You deserved it 507

Today, I was dating someone who completely believed cyborgs killed his family, although they are very much alive. He also faked having relationships a couple of times, and last but not least he pretended to be someone else he was stalking in real life for 3 years. I only found this out after I broke up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 140

Today, I saw what I thought was my neighbor’s dog running loose down the street. I chased him for a full block, shouting, “Buster! Come here, buddy!” I finally caught him, only for an angry stranger to yell, “That’s my dog! And his name is Kevin!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 136

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after we watched Titanic for the first time together. Why? Two reasons. Because I cried, and apparently men aren't allowed to be emotional, and because she asked me if I would save her or a boat of women and children first. Neither answer was correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 145

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 851

You deserved it 2 374

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 410

You deserved it 17 013