Nearly FMLs

By randomgamer56 - 19/03/2016 19:05 - United States - Chevy Chase

Last night, while at a get-together at a friends house, my friends decided to play a prank on me. One of my friends jumped out from behind a wall and shot me in the back of the head, with a nerf dart, out of a PVC pipe. The dart gave me a concussion... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By HolaSoyPuto - 19/03/2016 19:04 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was listening to a song in Spanish whose title literally means "I want you whore". Today I found out that my mom can speak Spanish. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 19:03 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, my wife gave birth and the only thing I could think of was, "How cute." Now my wife is taking our baby to her mother's until I "learn to have emotions." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By They're so expensive. - 19/03/2016 18:56 - United States - Miami

Today, I walked into my 12 year old sister using my vibrater between her thighs. Apparently I have to share the "magic wand" to make her feel good. Time to buy a new "magic wand". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ImSoSorry - 19/03/2016 18:53 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, a mentally disabled kid asked me for help while studying for a college test. I explained the concept and only after a few minutes did I realize that I had given him completely the wrong information. I rushed to correct my mistake but he had already left to write the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 18:49 - United States - Mountain View

Today a suicide hotline rejected me because "my story is way to cruel and harsh, so it must be a prank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By ohfuck - 19/03/2016 18:39 - United States - Bend

Today, I have the shits. I'm half an hour away from boarding a series of planes which should last around 6 hours. When I arrive at my hotel, I'll be sharing one bathroom with five others. Fml.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By faebun - 19/03/2016 18:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I showed my grandma a video my boyfriend sent me of his dog being cute. She took my phone, scrolled through our messages, and got pissed that at one point I mentioned a breast pump. I'm not pregnant, I'm just poor enough to consider inducing lactation so I can sell breast milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By evangelicaldemon - 19/03/2016 18:29 - United Kingdom - Alexandria

Today, my cat is having a better day than I am despite breaking his leg. He's tripping balls on whatever pain killers my vet has given him and keeps licking my lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By FirstAndLast - 19/03/2016 18:28 - Malta - Melita

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to use phrases over and over from a game he plays during sex, letting me know he's rock solid, asking me to blow him like the wind and the worst of all shrilling that he's armed and ready. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By dannidoll93 - 19/03/2016 18:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found my missing electric toothbrush... In my younger sister's bedside drawer. I've seen her brush her teeth. She uses a manual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By FalloutScrolls - 19/03/2016 17:54 - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up to a call from my boss asking me to come into work. I got dressed, got in the car and started my 50 minute commute. When I arrived, he asked me why I was there. I told him "because you asked me", to which he said "Didn't you get my text saying 'disregard?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bluewallflower - 19/03/2016 17:53 - United States

Today, I was late to work because my breaks were screaming at me. It was a rock between the rotor and break pad and my boss gave me 30 days probation for being late. I'm a delivery driver who would have been sent to get it fixed anyway. I need a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 17:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my mother barged into my room at 7am to wake me up and yell "You look horrible! You have bags under your eyes!". Then slammed the door and left, ranting that I'm lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Broke - 19/03/2016 17:50 - Canada - London

Today, I had to steal toilet paper from work. I am that broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By b.u.w. - 19/03/2016 17:46 - United States

Today, I went to my first session with my personal trainer. I have a condition that makes it very easy for me to gain weight and nearly impossible to lose any, but I've decided to try to stay hopeful. As I walked into the gym, my trainer not only gasped, but let out a long, annoyed groan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By boyfriend - 19/03/2016 17:11 - United States - Columbus

Today,I found out my girlfriend has a weird obsession with plucking my nipple hairs. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By couchAndboot - 19/03/2016 16:32 - United States - Beaver Dam

Today, my best "friend" came to my house drunk at 2 in the morning to tell me about how he made out with my crush...FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 15:13 - United States

Today was my first day in Las Vegas ever. As I was walking down the Strip, people kept handing me things, then one woman asked, "Looking for a good time, tonight?" I declined because I thought she was a prositute, turns out she was a club promoter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ApparentlySatan - 19/03/2016 15:08 - Australia - Kallangur

Today, I was disowned by my family, kicked out of my home and had the crap kicked out of me, all because I accidentally let slip that I was gay to one of my "friends." FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By NeverBeforeSeenPanicAttack - 19/03/2016 14:56 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was admitted to ER because I hadn't been able to catch my breath for two days straight and was about to pass out every other second. I asked my mother to meet me at the ER and I even offered to pay for gas. She said she couldn't because she was out eating lunch with friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Afroman720 - 19/03/2016 14:49 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was having horrible stomach pains at work. 30 minutes before I could go home I had to go REALLY bad, but the bathrooms were on the opposite side of the warehouse. I didn't make it in time. I had to work 30 minutes with shat in pants. I said I had awful gas when asked about the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By :( - 19/03/2016 14:17 - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom told me that I'll never get married if my cooking skills don't improve. My boyfriend agrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By dragonfyrr32 - 19/03/2016 14:12 - United States - Pleasant Ridge

Today, I went to my dental checkup. My dentist smelled my breath and literally went into the next room and threw up. Another dentist came and she was gagging the entire appointment; avoiding any possible conversation with me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 14:11 - Ireland

Today, I was barely an hour into my shift when I fainted and burned my arm off of hot oil. It was my first day. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Never Again - 19/03/2016 13:50 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after losing 13kg in weight. I went to a house party and drank for the first time in 3 months. Safe to say, drinking the usual amount produced the result of my head in the toilet bowl. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By molly774 - 19/03/2016 13:38 - China - Beijing

Today, I was on an escalator and I looked over and saw a messy haired slouched over girl who looked tired and worn out....then I realized I was looking in a mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By HeatherCorinne - 19/03/2016 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some random number texted me a dick pic. My husband saw it and is ready to throw out a 14 year relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By unwantedtwin - 19/03/2016 13:31 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, while my brother and I were trying to get our licenses, the woman behind the counter couldn't find either of our parents' names on my birth certificate. The spaces under "mother" and "father" were literally blank. I knew they never wanted me, but really? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By chuckmaddah - 19/03/2016 13:13 - Australia

Today, I had to clean a dead pigeon from under my bed because when my cat offered me a dead pigeon at the door this morning I locked her out, but later while it was open she decided to drag the bleeding corpse in and eat it under my bed and then meowed uncontrollably for 7 minutes until I looked.FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I got into an argument with my boss about the importance of a decent work/life balance. He then asked me to work overtime on a Saturday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 127

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 501

You deserved it 2 389

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 042

You deserved it 8 055

Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 627

You deserved it 1 658

Today, I found out that if you put tea bags into a cup of hot water, the tea bags will melt. The result: You get to drink and chew tea leaves at the same time, with little bits of actual tea to help make them go down. 0/10, do not recommend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 498

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 697

You deserved it 291