Nearly FMLs

By anonymous - 24/04/2016 17:32

Today, I realized that I'm such a virgin that I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 13

By jenoh2002 - 24/04/2016 17:23 - United States - Parma

Today, the guy I liked for over a year started to talk to me on Snapchat. While thinking of something to say, he wrote back and said " sorry, wrong person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 10

By The_Potato_Lord - 24/04/2016 17:21 - United States - Charleston

Today, my brother scared my cat under my bed. 3 stitches later, she still won't come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 7

By Eric - 24/04/2016 17:18 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went to work and everybody was asking what I was doing here then I realized my vacation started today FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 26

By Anonymous - 24/04/2016 17:07 - United States

Today, my best friend told me that she chose her bridesmaids. We've been best friends for over a decade and always said we'd be each other's bridesmaids. Then she asked me to be an usher instead even though I have near crippling social anxiety. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 14

By Someguy - 24/04/2016 16:57 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend for being a hypocrite. She always said she was against cheating, and I always said I was open to free sexuality. I never cheated on her once because she was against it. She lost track of the number of guys she slept with. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 20

By Anonymous - 24/04/2016 16:51 - United States - Bronx

Today when I got out of the shower, there was no towel on the rack. I opened the door a bit and politely yelled, asking for someone to get me one. My sister replied, saying that nobody was upstairs and I could get it myself. Her voice was coming from her room, which is next door to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 11

By ouch - 24/04/2016 16:49 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my girlfriend of two years informed me that even though it's amazingly good, sex usually always hurts. Even though we use lots of lube and foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 18

By deanambrose - 24/04/2016 16:35 - United States - Boardman

Today, my friend was watching WWE, and he decided do act like Dean Ambrose. Lets just say, a dirty deads on a concrete floor will not only knock you out, but it will send you to the hospital to receive 17 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 15

By 1thatonedude1 - 24/04/2016 16:27 - United States - Laramie

Today, I woke up and went to take a shower in the dorms bathroom. When I went in, there was a guy taking up both showers listening to radio loudly, so I came back later. He's been there for 45 minutes and this happens often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 10

By WhatIsLove? - 24/04/2016 15:58 - United States - Wallingford

Today, a woman told me all about how the most important thing in a relationship is looks. Upon explaining that personality is more important to me than looks, I was told to shut up because I clearly know nothing about love. Thanks for the love advice, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 11

By LPac5295 - 24/04/2016 15:54 - United States - Pratt

Today, my 14 year old daughter left her phone on the couch by accident. When I went to give it back to her I noticed a contact named "Daddy." It wasn't my number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 17

By SoNotCockblocked? - 24/04/2016 15:43 - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned just how dry-spelled I was when during porn I noticed some lovely rose decor on the wall instead of the action Infront of me. And came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 13

By Kendall14159 - 24/04/2016 15:28 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was at church, listening to my music through my Bluetooth headphones. The headphones died and my phone connected to some speakers that I've used before. Suddenly, rock music started blaring from the speakers. I was so mortified that I had a panic attack and vomited on the new carpeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 27

By sadblufly - 24/04/2016 15:19 - United States - Louisville

Today, I had my first trip to the emergency room. I had been fooling around with my boyfriend and when his fingers came out bloody I panicked and thought he had hurt me with his vigorous foreplay. They all laughed at me when they told me it was just my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 27

By Anonymous - 24/04/2016 15:13 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my brother punched me in the arm for no apparent reason, causing me to spill water all over his MacBook. I have to pay for the fix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 8

By dasmarra - 24/04/2016 15:06 - Germany - R?sselsheim

Today, a friend gave me some money for the train back home after visiting him. I took the train the last second before it left the station. When asked for my ticket, I realised that I forgot to actually buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 16

By Battlebarney - 24/04/2016 14:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, today I realized just how bad my OCD is when I spent four hours organizing an entire family size bag of Chex mix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 11

By anon cat lover - 24/04/2016 14:52 - Australia - Strathpine

Today, I climbed into bed for a well welcomed sleep. Just as I was about to fall into a deep sleep (the first in about a week due to restless nights) I woke to a piercing pain in my foot. My deranged cat had attacked my foot and cut it completely open and two claws were found deep in the wound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 9

By Anonymous - 24/04/2016 14:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister and I were messing around (she is 6), I went outside to grab something and I saw her close the door. I kept pushing and pushing and I couldnt get in. Then I rammed the door a few times breaking the rim of the door slightly. The door was a pull not push. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 19

By punkkid - 24/04/2016 14:28 - Australia - Brunswick

Today, I found out why my biological father had not been online. It was because he was recently released from prison, again... FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 7

By VictoriaT519 - 24/04/2016 14:25 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Because I work with my boss' son, who's a lazy little shit. My boss says my work ethic 'makes his son look bad, and he can't have that'. Now who's going to close this incredibly important multi-million dollar contract at the end of the month? You guessed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 8

By Evie - 24/04/2016 14:12 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, I always told my daughter not to do something stupid like letting her boyfriend get her pregnant by mistake at 18 years old. So instead she got pregnant by some guy who wasn't her boyfriend, at 17 years old, by cheating on her boyfriend. I just know she did it on purpose to spite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 16

By thanksbabe - 24/04/2016 14:10 - Australia - Armadale

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked like I was having a seizure while I was having an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 10

By Anonymous - 24/04/2016 14:01 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, I tried to be nice and clean out the cat box. As I was taking the bag full of dirty cat litter to the trashcan, it ripped and cat shit went everywhere. I then had to clean up the dirty litter outside while the neighbors watched. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 7

By carless - 24/04/2016 13:45 - Australia - Lutana

Today, my cousin managed to stuff the gearbox in my partners car, which would be ok, if my car hadn't broken down a couple months ago leaving me with only his car to get around in. So now I have no car at all and I'm meant to be getting my kids from the other end of the state in 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

By drum major¿ - 24/04/2016 13:43 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I got sick with a 48 hour thing my family's been having. You essentially have a stuffy nose and loose your voice. Drum major tryouts for my high school band are tomorrow and I have to yell as loud as I can. Just whispering hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 5

By colette94 - 24/04/2016 13:20 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I received my dissertation with comments back from my Professor. He wrote 'ew' 20 times through my paper. I got a D... Every other piece of work has been an A and I am now graduating with a 2:2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 6

By PrydonianBrowncoat - 24/04/2016 13:18 - United States - Covington

Today, I tried to type "I have a leadership role in a cultural organization" on a Facebook comment, but pressed enter too soon and accidentally commented "I have a leadership role in a cult." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 9

By howiebear - 24/04/2016 12:32 - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Today, I picked my friend up from a house party and some guy threw up all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend has been super nice to me all day and I was enjoying the attention. At bedtime, he asked me if I was happy, I said yes, he asked if was I happy enough to try butt stuff. I said no, like I do every time he asks for butt stuff. He turned over and went to sleep. So much for being nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 615

You deserved it 631

Today, I treated my boyfriend to an expensive dinner using the last of my paycheck. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few minutes in. I came back to find my plate empty. His excuse was, "I didn't want the food to get cold." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 012

You deserved it 4 387

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 800

You deserved it 6 477

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 301

You deserved it 8 878

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 856

You deserved it 7 053

Today, I inherited several buttloads of money from my grandmother, including property, and by gosh did so many relatives appear from the woodwork to remind me of money granny owed them, or how they just needed an investment to kickstart their business venture. The whole lot of them can screw off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 235

You deserved it 150