Nearly FML

By LizzysOwner - 23/04/2016 03:04 - United States - New Woodstock

Today, I excitedly chopped my hair into a cute short style after debating it for many months. While many were excited to see my new hair cut, one guy stated how horrible it was that I didn't donate it to a charity in the UK. I am in the US, and I donated 12 inches of hair five months ago. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 23/04/2016 02:59 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend & I were really horny and decided to have sex despite the fact that I'm in the middle of my period week. After we finished, I turned the light on & there was a clump of blood in his BELLY BUTTON. FML.

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By Anonymous - 23/04/2016 02:49 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I realized my boobs are so small I don't even need to wear a sports bra to go jogging. FML

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By arabian22 - 23/04/2016 02:33 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a supervisor at work called me into her office to translate for a Farsi-speaking client. When I explained that I'm Iraqi and only speak Arabic, she exclaimed "Iraq and Afghanistan are basically the same place, you should understand her!" She was being serious. FML

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By No2ndDates - 23/04/2016 01:57 - United States

Today, I had a first date with my crush. I bit strait into a blood vessel of the chicken I ordered. It popped and covered me and my date in blood. She ran to the bathroom and threw up. FML

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vote type 1 1

By anonymous - 23/04/2016 01:54 - United States - Farmington

Today, I was crying when my boyfriend came home considering I was bleeding "down there." Since I'm pregnant and the blood flow was rather heavy I thought it was a miscarriage. My boyfriend and I told everyone the awful news just to find out that some women have their periods while pregnant. FML

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vote type 1 1

By not a lesbian - 23/04/2016 01:37 - United States - Canal Fulton

Today, I had a sleepover at my friends house. And she asked me to sleep with her. I thought she meant like in like the same bed. I woke up at 2 in the morning with one of her hands down my shorts and another one on my boob. I called my dad to come pick me up and he refused. FML

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By Broken - 23/04/2016 01:26 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, my so-called friend thought it would be funny to make both cancer and weed jokes and didn't understand why I wasn't laughing. My father had cancer and died two days ago. FML.

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By Rim Job - 23/04/2016 01:15 - United States - Issaquah

Today, my boyfriend decided I needed to prove my loyalty to him by licking his asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/04/2016 00:48 - United States - Newton

Today, my really old family dog was put down by my brother. By shooting her brains out. He is a cop. FML

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By Not Homeless Yet - 23/04/2016 00:27 - United States - Pearl

Today, I got laid off from the job I've been at for six months. I signed a 12-month lease on my first apartment 21 days ago. FML

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vote type 1 3

By happy anniversary - 23/04/2016 00:23 - United States - Charleston

Today, it's my parents anniversary. They celebrated by having loud sex for three hours straight. I could hear everything. FML

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By noneyourbuisness - 23/04/2016 00:05 - United States - Minden

Today, at work. I stepped aside to squeeze out a fart and shit my pants...all in my pants. I got fired for "lack of work", and I had to buy new pants and shoes. Yes I said shoes. FML.

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vote type 1 3

By AtLeastTheFoodWasGood - 22/04/2016 23:59 - Canada - Madoc

Today, I was having dinner at the local Chinese restaurant. I sat by a window with full view of my car. I also had full view as someone hit my car, took a look at the damage, took a look at me watching, then quickly get back in their car and drive away. FML

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vote type 1 3

By Deadpool47 - 22/04/2016 23:58 - Iraq

Today, For the first time ever my Facebook inbox was full with people checking on me. Why? We have finals next week and they wanted my notes and my notes only. FML

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By Female jobs - 22/04/2016 23:46 - United States - Stafford

Today, my sexist teacher got mad when one girl put physician as her top job. I then put stripper, flight attendant, and teacher as my top three jobs, as a joke. Turns out up you can get an entire year of detention. FML

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vote type 1 1

By dammit - 22/04/2016 23:43 - United States - Fremont

Today, and yesterday I had to take the days off from work. Why? I started a new medication and one of the side effects increases my horniness. I've been masturbating nonstop all day and its still not enough. FML

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vote type 1 1

By ardea_alba - 22/04/2016 23:40 - Russian Federation - Yekaterinburg

Today, my husband informed me he hoped, for my sake, he was getting better at not cheating, although we should not be considering adopting a girl as he can't guarantee nothing will happen 'when she's 18 and strutting around the house in her panties'. FML

agreeclassic 7

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By I_just_wanted_a_sub - 22/04/2016 23:29 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my favorite sub place was having $1 subs, so on my lunch break I went. I knew I was going to be late getting back to work so I sped back. That $1 sub ended up costing me over $200 in a speeding ticket and a write up. FML

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By Bawsack - 22/04/2016 23:09 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, my sister is having a party which I'm not invited to. I'm ten years older than her and her friends so usually this wouldn't bother me but they're in the livingroom of the house I work 60+ hour weeks to pay for, eating my cupboards bare and drinking me dry. I'm in bed listening to it all. Is 9pm. FML.

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By anonymous - 22/04/2016 22:51 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while using a public stall I didn't realize until it was too late that there was no toilet paper. I had to ask the person next to me for some, and instead of helping me out, silently got up and left. FML

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vote type 1 1

By anxious student - 22/04/2016 22:50 - United States - Johnson City

Today, while giving a huge presentation in front of my entire class, I passed out in the floor. Thinking it was part of the presentation, everyone clapped for me. FML

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vote type 1 1

By Owl - 22/04/2016 22:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 6 year old daughter brought home an owl backpack which looks like a stuffed toy. She named it Hoo Hoo. She asked me, "Do you want to play with my Hoo-Hoo?"

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By le_kapitan - 22/04/2016 22:35 - United States

Today, I dreaded going home so much that I drove an hour away to spend my Friday night at a bar by myself for my birthday. FML

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By NoMoreDrugsForMe - 22/04/2016 22:32 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I arrested the town's drug dealer. A.K.A my drug dealer. FML

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By slade_wilson - 22/04/2016 22:23 - United States - Midland

Today, I was stood up for a date. I don't think it would've bothered me so much if the it was with the woman I recently got engaged to. Her reason, she was busy having sex with my older brother.

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By iwillreapyou - 22/04/2016 22:07 - United States

Today, I'm living in fear of my bowel movements. Last night I managed to get a small tear in my anus while on the toilet. It hurts and bleeds when I poop. FML

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By unknownfatguy - 22/04/2016 22:04 - United Kingdom - Kington

Today, I had a 64 mile motorcycle ride to a job interview. 40 minutes into the ride I realise that I forgot to fill my tank, when my bike cut out in the middle of the motorway; making me wait for a roadside rescue van to come and give me some fuel. FML.

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By Anonymous - 22/04/2016 21:57 - United States - Houston

Today, after a particularly hard day at work, I came home to find my 22 year old son watching TV and still in his pyjamas. I asked him if he ever planned to do something with his life. His response? "Haha good one, mom! So when's supper?" FML

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By Lucy - 22/04/2016 21:51 - United States - Valrico

Today was my dad's funeral. Last minute, my mom remembered lyrics of a blues song he loved, so I Googled it and found a Bone Thugs N Harmony song and added it. During my mom's tear ridden toast, a rap drops several expletives. Turns out, lots of songs have "take me to the crossroads" in them. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

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Keywords

Miscellaneous My ex Stalker Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

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Today, I was feeling sad and lonely. I got a message from my father-in-law asking how I was. I instantly felt great that someone was thinking of me and wanted to chat. It soon became clear that the account was hacked. The hacker said more to me than my own family on the same day. FML

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Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

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Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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Today, I bought my very first car. My dad insisted on driving it, just to see how it handles, and drove it right off the bridge near our house into our river because he hasn’t driven anything in 15 years, which also means he has no insurance, at all. FML

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vote type 1 455

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me when I went to give him a blowjob after he got home and his knob tasted different. It was the other woman’s fanny juice still on him because he hadn’t had a shower yet. So f…ing angry and grossed out right now. FML

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