Nearly FMLs

By mayhemagnet - 11/06/2016 21:51 - United States - Wharton

Today, one of my old coworkers called me, gushing, to thank me for putting together her resume and talking through some interview tactics. She just got a job in my old industry and she's super-excited, all thanks to me. I couldn't bear to tell her I've been waiting for a callback for that job. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 15

By 1000timesscrewed - 11/06/2016 20:47 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I stopped at a gas station to use the restroom. I flushed the toilet when finished, which overflowed like crazy, spilling into the rest of the building. The staff cant help at the moment since they are too busy making "what did you eat last night" jokes in front of the other customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 22

By MyNameIsPorter - 11/06/2016 20:20 - United States - Tuscaloosa

Today, I was babysitting my 14 year old brother. He got hungry and decided to fix a hot pocket. Upon reading the label he goes, "Wow, I have to cook this until 2:30?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 177

You deserved it 15

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 20:13 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, my wife played a mean joke on me. She set up a bunch of hidden cameras in the house and made a video of all the embarrassing things I do when I think I'm alone and put it on Facebook. That includes picking my nose, scratching my balls and farting noisily. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 19

By Haddie - 11/06/2016 18:59 - United States - Clearfield

Today, I finally found a great apartment and went to get most of my clothes out of storage at my parents' house. Turns out my dad went on a cleaning binge yesterday and donated everything to the Salvation Army. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 26

By lanabk - 11/06/2016 18:23 - China - Wuhan

Today, my bestfriend's girlfriend stole my phone. Since she couldn't find any proof of him cheating on her with me, she decided to blackmail me instead; I either disappear from his life or some of my private videos and pictures will reach my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 304

You deserved it 22

By sw2f2fchik612 - 11/06/2016 17:31 - United States - Snellville

Today, I went to pick up my prescription. Having had spinal surgery the day before, I had to use a motorized cart to get around. I got several dirty looks and a lady also using one of the carts told me off for "disrespecting people with real disabilities." FML

I agree, your life sucks 269

You deserved it 15

By milk - 11/06/2016 16:54 - United States - Washington

Today, my loving family made me coffee before my 9 hour drive to Rhode Island, seems like a nice gesture right? Well they forgot I am completely lactose intolerant and cannot have any dairy products. I have stopped three times this hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 28

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, as I got out of the shower I needed to fart. I am staying at my girlfriends so I spread my cheeks so that her family wouldn't hear it. By the time I had discovered it was in fact not a fart it was too late and the splat sound behind me confirmed that, at age 19, I had pooped on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 274

You deserved it 37

By FoRealThow - 11/06/2016 16:07 - United States - Cold Spring

Today, I had to retake an important school exam. I took it yesterday but I had such a bad case of food poisoning I had to go to the bathroom frequently. They don't believe my excuse and accused me of cheating. It will be written down on my record. FML

I agree, your life sucks 210

You deserved it 13

By Jmdezy - 11/06/2016 16:00 - Switzerland

Today, we placed down pine straw to make our yard look better. While I was picking up one of the bales I failed to realize that hundreds of daddy long legs decided to make that their home. But I found out soon enough when they were crawling all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 19

By EmZoWe - 11/06/2016 14:50 - United States - Pennington

Today, I was eating a sandwich I purchased at my university's cafeteria. Halfway through the sandwich, I notice a maggot wiggling on my tray, and upon opening my sandwich, I found another in the tuna. My school refuses to believe it's from their facilities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 205

You deserved it 12

By jessaureli - 11/06/2016 03:36 - United States - Temple

Today, I found out I am allergic to the Monistat yeast infection medication, to treat the one I got after taking antibiotics. I don't think severe burning or intense itching are supposed to be side effects. Now my vagina feels like the devil took residence there and does not want to be evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 519

You deserved it 66

By rorylikesnoodles - 11/06/2016 03:27 - United States - Bremerton

Today, at school some kid in another period has been drawing genitalia on my desk. As I was trying to erase them, my teacher looked my way, and saw the dicks on my desk, and, assuming I drew them, sent me to the office. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 58

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 03:26 - United States - Osceola

Today, my ex wife had her 5th child at 44 years old. 22 years ago I got a vacectomy because after our 4th kid the Dr told her she shouldn't have anymore kids. My new wife would have loved to have another child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472

You deserved it 49

By smsblue - 11/06/2016 03:23 - United States - Mentor

Today, my brother showered for the first time in months. And used all of my soap. And spent 3 hours in said shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 33

By Lovecandy02 - 11/06/2016 03:14 - United States - Denver

Today, I Snapchated the guy who I have been dating (kinda) I asked him what he was doing. He then told me he was playing cards with my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 57

By AJG - 11/06/2016 03:11 - United States - Arlington

Today, I let my agent drive my car because I didn't trust her with the rental car. I ended up running over a tire in the middle of the road, it flew up and busted the window on my car that the agent was driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 45

By _GlassDoge - 11/06/2016 03:08 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I managed to trip over my dog, then fall face first into some glass from a dish I'd dropped. I was on my way to clean up the glass. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 38

By sad and sickly owner - 11/06/2016 02:56 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, after having the stomach flu for the last few days, I accidentally projectile vomited on my dog. He now refuses to come out of his dog house or acknowledge me in any way. So now I'm sick and man's best friend is resolutely ignoring me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 359

You deserved it 32

By scared child - 11/06/2016 02:53 - United States - Elgin

Today,I was dusting and I saw a little wooden box that my late grandmother had kept her jewelry in and I looked inside to find that that is the place that my parents decided to keep their condoms in, to make it even worse they were XL. I will never look at my parents the same way,FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 27

By feebae - 11/06/2016 02:51 - Australia

Today, I cut my finger open trying to open a box of bandaids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 356

You deserved it 46

By Lee - 11/06/2016 02:50 - United States - Malvern

Today I graduated highschool. Normally it would have been a great day but it was also the day I found out my grandmother died. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 238

You deserved it 24

By ChanceofPie - 11/06/2016 02:44 - United States

Today, was my first day at my first ever job. On the way there I saw a black and white kitten stick in a box on the side of the road. I pulled over to help free the kitten and was sprayed by a foul liquid... It wasn't a kitten and it wasn't stuck. I had no time to change before work.

I agree, your life sucks 163

You deserved it 22

By Chaffed - 11/06/2016 02:30 - Canada - Halifax

Today,I had to cover 3 sick calls that started at 4am, then 9am, then 4pm.As a server I ran a 120 seat dining room with no breaks until 10pm with no breaks. I wore the wrong underwear and chaffed my thighs so bad I had to hobble home and have 6 hours until my next shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179

You deserved it 17

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 02:17 - United States - Conway

Today, as my girlfriend and I boarded our flight, I squeezed what I thought was my girlfriends ass. Turns out, it was someone who looked a lot like my girlfriend from behind. Needless to say I was slapped and given dirty looks the whole flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 20

By Torito_Dorito - 11/06/2016 01:52 - United States

Today, I realized I have spent so much time around cats that I've developed an allergy to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 13

By embarrassed - 11/06/2016 01:38 - United States - Borden

Today, my girl and I were sending extremely suggestive texts to each other and eventually we said goodnight and stopped. The next day my helicopter mom tells me she came into my room and got into my phone and read all of the messages. I don't even know how she knows my passcode, FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 16

By imafailaha - 11/06/2016 01:28 - United States - Houston

Today, a random man tried to pick me up from outside the library, saying "my mom had told him to come get me." I proceeded to tell him that my mom had died years ago from cancer (which is true) and he flipped me off then drove away. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 180

You deserved it 15

By Kelsea - 11/06/2016 00:38 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I brought my little brother to the natural history museum. I got a bit distracted and my brother saw a stuffed tiger and said "I'm a tiger too" bit a girls hand and she knocked over a huge bear statue. We got escorted from the premises. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 13

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The Top

Today, I took a friend out for what I thought was date. After dinner was over and I paid, she pulled the bill out and wrote her name phone number on it for the waiter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 417

You deserved it 3 665

Today, my 4 year-old son got a hole in his head from doing a twirl jump off bricks out the back. After being in hospital for 8 hours, my car battery was flat from me leaving the lights on. My husband went to get a new battery and lost his wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 141

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 178

You deserved it 2 781

Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 097

You deserved it 421

Today, during a Zoom meeting, I tried to discreetly mute myself before yelling at my printer for jamming again. I wasn’t muted. My whole team listened as I threatened a piece of office equipment with violence. My boss suggested therapy for “Printer anger.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 155

You deserved it 382

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 924

You deserved it 4 395