Nearly FMLs

By cleaner - 06/07/2016 23:56 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, when cleaning the house I shook shake N' vac all over the carpets. Wanting the house to smell nice I left the carpets and hoovered the hardwood floors first, half way through the Hoover broke down. I had to use a dust pan to clean all the shake N' vac powder out of the carpet. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 362

You deserved it 45

By kirbo2 - 06/07/2016 23:53 - United States - Nashville

Today, I realized my bible study class is slowly turning me into an atheist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 116

By Nommiess - 06/07/2016 21:50 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I completely comfirmed the gender of my cockatiel by the fact he was trying to mate with my hand. Most sexual encounter I've had in awhile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 22

By me123 - 06/07/2016 20:30 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I took my bike to get the front tire and rim replaced. After the my bike was repaired I started riding it home. Just as I was crossing a busy intersection my front wheel came loose and I flipped off the bike and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 30

By tan shrew - 06/07/2016 15:51 - United States - Gardena

Today, my school assigned passwords for an online program. The passwords seemed to be incredibly personal. Mine is tan_shrew...FML

I agree, your life sucks 330

You deserved it 31

By Stigmamma - 06/07/2016 13:52 - Australia - Geelong West

Today, I surprised my Batman-obsessed boyfriend by showing up to his house dressed as Harley Quinn. He was so awestruck that his cock decided he must be dreaming, and refused to get up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 646

You deserved it 70

By noellebelle626 - 06/07/2016 13:51 - United States - Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Why? Because I developed the stomach flu and a cold in the same week so I'm too "weak" for him. He's had the stomach flu for 6 days and has been sick with bronchitis for 2 weeks. I got this crap from taking care of him and cleaning up his puke. You're welcome Hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 32

By EJ - 06/07/2016 13:42 - United States

Today, I got my penis stuck in my zipper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 119

By anyone - 06/07/2016 13:37 - United States - Raleigh

Today, all three of my friends said we need to take a break because you are too depressing. I'm depressed because I don't have any friends this only makes things worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 419

You deserved it 58

By Anonymous - 06/07/2016 13:22 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found a piece of the condom my boyfriend used, inside me. We had sex a couple of days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 35

By narnabear - 06/07/2016 13:08 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend decided to inform me that two people I can't exactly stand are staying at our place for 2 days, I'm coming up to 37 weeks pregnant and have to find the energy to entertain our guests while he's at work fml.

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 31

By silverbane27 - 06/07/2016 13:07 - United States

Today, my pregnant girlfriend left me because her single mother friend told her it is better to parent alone then to have to work on a relationship FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 20

By Lil Marko - 06/07/2016 13:00 - Australia - Westmead

Today I learned that my Ex Girlfriend of over 1 year was actually lesbian and the main reason she hooked up with me was because FedEx shipped to my place and not hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 27

By CreeptacularBait - 06/07/2016 12:46 - United States - Havertown

Today, I got out of bed and immediately face planted from the crippling pain in my feet. I've been pulling 12 hour shifts because the new girl has called out almost every day for the last week. Now my face and my feet hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 23

By player20270 - 06/07/2016 12:36 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, and for the past three days, I've been living 600+km from home. I'm alergic to gluten and lactose and haven't found anything I'm able to eat, even vegetables may contain traces of wheat. I think I'll die of starvation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 205

You deserved it 21

By jules2314 - 06/07/2016 12:20 - Australia - Mount Waverley

Today, a building renovation was accepted that my parents have been opposing for over a year. It allows them to build a roof terrace that looks over our wall and directly into our house (renovated warehouse) through our 6m high 3m wide window and into our dining room, kitchen and lounge room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 184

You deserved it 15

By laxdude101 - 06/07/2016 12:14 - United States - Midlothian

Today, while attempting to clean out our old tandem kayak, I panicked and used half a jug of bleach to kill the worlds largest spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185

You deserved it 35

By DoggyDestroyer - 06/07/2016 11:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was on my way to work on a 3 lane highway. I watched a dog get hit well ahead of me, so I tried to merge into a different lane so I didn't hit it as well. Thanks to a bitch in a porsche who sped up so I couldn't change lanes, I finished the job on the poor dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 235

You deserved it 12

By redcell513 - 06/07/2016 10:27 - United States - Garden City

Today was my graduation day from army basic training. My extremely liberal family refused to come to it. My own mother even called me a "baby killer" and a "monster". I'm going to Texas next week to begin training as a combat medic.

I agree, your life sucks 251

You deserved it 23

By lilbonx - 06/07/2016 10:22 - United States - Las Vegas

I was about to cross the street when my friend pulls me back as I was about to get struck by a bus. after realizing how oblivious I was, I thanked him. he replies with "I only did that because you owe me money from last week." FML.

I agree, your life sucks 185

You deserved it 24

By Why me 22 - 06/07/2016 10:03 - United States - Modesto

Today I got to have my sleep interrupted yet again because my neibors don't know, how to sleep and like to pass the time setting off big illegal fireworks. It's been three weeks and the cops won't do a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158

You deserved it 17

By Why me 19 - 06/07/2016 09:57 - United States - Modesto

Today, my wife and I had plans to have an intimate date night. We had planned this for awhile now, but have to cancel it because almost all of our friends decided to show up out of nowhere and visit for a week or two. Now I'm blue balled until they leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 19

By Anonymous - 06/07/2016 09:49 - Sweden

Today, my friend decided to pull a prank on me by leaving a porn site open on my computer, he left it open and left my room and forgot about it. My mother got home and found it before i did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 159

You deserved it 13

By ihatemyjob - 06/07/2016 09:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today I was sick at work, and rushed to the toilet to vomit. My manager told me off for leaving my workstation, telling me it's unprofessional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 163

You deserved it 11

By Why me 12 - 06/07/2016 09:34 - United States - Modesto

Today I did some much needed laundry this morning as a surprise to my wife. I had just finished doing the dark pile and pulled them out of the dryer when our white cat tried to burrow into our fresh clothes. I tried to shoo him out only to scare him so much, he shat in the middle of the pile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178

You deserved it 16

By An apparent liar - 06/07/2016 09:29 - United States

Today, I had a friend over who doesn't like dogs at all. I had proudly boasted that since the day I got my new puppy (now 6months old) he hadn't had an accident in our house. Not even 5 seconds later he shat liquid on the carpet between us in my living room.FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 14

By redframed - 06/07/2016 09:24 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was digging a hole and my shovel got stuck between some roots. After putting all my weight on it I finally got through them and they snapped. But I didn't react in time to avoid getting all the ground and little roots in my eyes and open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 17

By Anonymous - 06/07/2016 09:24 - United States - Modesto

Today, I tried to invite my grandma on my bio-dad's side, to my wedding and ask her for his address so that I can invite him too. Instead of congrats she replied with, "You are an ungrateful child" and went on to tell me about how much I abuse my "Father". He abandoned me and my brother at 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 14

By Anonymous - 06/07/2016 09:12 - Australia - Manly

Today I was making a sauce for dinner before I had to go to an appointment. I finished cooking and got ready to go. I quickly went to the bathroom to change a tampon. I forgot that I had just cut up a chilli for the sauce. I was in agony for the rest of the evening, and I missed the appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158

You deserved it 23

By Stupidityeverywh - 06/07/2016 09:08 - Canada - Quesnel

Today, ive been living with my boyfriend a whole year. Things have been going great... Except for the fact that I haven't gotten laid in 5 months. I've tried everything to get him to sleep with me but he's always 'too tired' and would rather act like 'an old married couple' as he likes to put it.FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 24

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The Top

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's ex. I decided to be a good person and hold the door for her as we walked into the store. She decided to be the bitch she is and stomp on my foot as she walked through the open doorway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 959

You deserved it 6 788

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 238

You deserved it 3 835

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 390

You deserved it 2 851

Today, I can’t sleep because the moon is full. No, wait, that’s actually the floodlight from the neighboring farm shining in my window. Apparently, they thought it a good idea to hook the thing up to a motion detector, so the cats and mice can play disco lights at midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 87

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 900

You deserved it 2 311

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 541

You deserved it 785