Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML
Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to take a video of his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML
Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML
Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words "Stupid bitch" every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML
Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML
Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML
Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML
Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 34
I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)
Nyx_fml 23
Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.
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Comments (190)
Nyx_fml 23
Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.
Enslaved 36
I bet it was a Galaxy s4
Arrow44 10
Lets just pray it wasn't the new Note III
CanadiAnM8 24
What in the actual...
iammeorami 25
you mean the waterproof s4 active. ..
iammeorami 25
Or the galaxy mega O_O
iamtheinsomniac 11
Yes it probably was an android. All they're good for are puns, it seems.
Nyx_fml 23
Woah, woah, #89. Stop alienating people.
scooterdude720 19
Hopefully for him, it was a Juke (if you guys even remember that phone)
cmayer 20
That little pack of gum looking thing #130?
DWordHead16 19
I actually had that phone(: hahaha everyone was afraid of me because they thought it was a pocket knife lol #130
tjv3 10
Maybe he want to butt dial someone?
JoseIsAdork 31
OK, that's an awfully extreme butt dial but to each their own, hope he didn't get changed roaming for that call though ×_×
JoseIsAdork 31
wow, I haven't heard about jukes in forever. can you picture it had he done this with a Nokia... oh my god..
WCARlover 34
I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)
ThatFancyPenn 18
Gee I wish there was a button for that #88...
ApollosMyth 22
Gee, I wish there was a less generic comment for that.
allie2590 31
91, please point me to this "that was funny" button. I don't know if it's just this droid app, but I can't find it. :-P
PrimeStarscream 30
I think I broke something when I laughed.
piedpiper303 29
How does one get the bright idea to shove one up there?
SMHsohard 22
He didn't have any pockets?
Caitie_kid 8
Maybe the vibrate mode was too tempting for him to resist?
AKGirlinSD 20
He watched Jackass and saw a guy shove a car in a condom up his ass.He decided to take it as a challenge and chose that poor phone.
TheDrifter 23
Someone asked him if he'd drive better with that phone up his ass and he took it to heart?
Ray_of_midnight 22
It's a common way of smuggling phones into prison.
MeTheBeast 22
I think that man would be even more butt hurt if he heard your comment!
KK3137 31
My question is more what he was planning to do woth it after he had stuck it up there. I mean, was he just going to pull it out again once satisfied and go about his daily usage of it, knowing it had been in his anus?
morella_xx 29
He didn't shove it up there! He fell on it, of course.
JohnForge 13
Perhaps he's not straight? Orrrr his girlfriend shoved a phone up his ass.. Perhaps this was a kinky mess up.
blcksocks 19
I hope it wasn't a HTC Titan ..
coldashell 23
Docbastard?
imshadyxo 25
Ah, beat me to it!
klovemachine 24
I don't think Doc would post this anonymously. he would write about it in his blog
DocBastard 38
I also have never been to Switzerland. Or have I?
ALyte 15
You sly sucker.... So good at not slipping where you are from!
DocBastard 38
That vibrate mode...it's dangerous.
gabe222 25
Gotta live on the wild side for thrillfull pleasures though, right doc?
ptoka 20
Doc, which is worse a vibrating phone or the coke bottle? At least the phone is more easily removed (depending on how far up the phone traveled).
GoodLookingGeese 10
Let's find it out on you 55 ;)
JaegerMayCry 13
oh God no D:
imshadyxo 25
DocBastard, is that you?
gabbi630 16
Love that he left the comment after you.
broderickc 13
That mental image is so disturbing
iamtheinsomniac 11
........Why would you try to think of a mental image?
lolita88_fml 27
Sounds like a....shitty situation.....
jayceejaco 15
Don't we ever learn?!
VeganVampyre 26
No, no we do not.
lolita88_fml 27
Nope xD WORTH IT.
vipirius 18
Wow, either your profile it's lying, out you're the only person I know older than 15 that said XD.
thatdangmexican 18
He was probably butt-dialing.
teddy4nyy 13
Or bootycalling
OnlyAvailableID 28
I just hope he isn't talking tongue-in-cheek.