Work: Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable...

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 16:38 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 995

You deserved it 3 592

May Day: Lily of the Valley and Misunderstandings
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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 18/06/2014 19:06 - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 489

You deserved it 5 028

By Anonymous - 02/10/2012 19:39 - United States - Richland

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 716

You deserved it 2 956

By Idiot says "HIPAA violation" - 27/06/2015 01:21 - United States - Roanoke

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 319

You deserved it 2 564

Ivy league

By WasteOMoney - 04/07/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to take a video of his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 806

You deserved it 6 263

By sirenmario - 20/01/2011 00:52

Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words 'stupid bitch' every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 005

You deserved it 2 679

Bag for life

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 04:57 - United States

Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 67

By welp24 - 28/10/2018 03:00

Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 192

You deserved it 362

Nice.

By poururheartout - 27/07/2018 20:30

Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 269

You deserved it 379

By captainkevineff - 11/03/2010 14:44 - United States

Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 947

You deserved it 3 638

By Stuck - 08/09/2011 10:00 - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 336

You deserved it 67 796

WCARlover 34

Monday 9 September 2013 3:02

I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)

Nyx_fml 23

Monday 9 September 2013 3:02

Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.

Comments

Poetaster 10

Monday 9 September 2013 3:13

I take it he was talking outta his butt?

phoneYuNOlisten 16

Monday 9 September 2013 3:14

Good to get puns in

Enslaved 36

Monday 9 September 2013 3:16

Maybe his gerbil wanted to make a call.

aaron_usmc 0

Monday 9 September 2013 3:16

Can you hear me now?..... shit dropped the call.

theboy13 13

Monday 9 September 2013 3:21

the vibrator apps need a warning on them I guess .....

dannnngthatsux 19

Monday 9 September 2013 3:25

"It was just sitting on the couch, I left for more popcorn, came back and sat on it. All the way? Oh, I.wasn't sure what it was so rather than get up, I.tried wiggling to get it out." Better than a lightbulb. Look it up folks.

neuroticallyyour_fml 17

Monday 9 September 2013 3:27

I guess he missed the memo about never sticking anything up your ass without a flared base. Your life sucks but he deserves it.

HeartOfLead 24

Monday 9 September 2013 3:27

This FML sounds familiar...

threer 30

Monday 9 September 2013 3:28

DocBastard, is that you?

threer 30

Monday 9 September 2013 3:29

Wait, shit. Did I really just find the exact same comment above me???

PenguinBitch 43

Monday 9 September 2013 4:38

Is that you Doc Bastard? ....ha!

The_Mr_Troll 14

Monday 9 September 2013 3:32

That makes me think of an episode of The Big Bang Theory... Secretary: "I've got a robot hand graspin' a man's penis out here!" Howard: "Could you be a little more discreet!?" Secretary: "I'm sorry, we don't have code for a robot hand graspin' a man's penis."

Trish01 23

Monday 9 September 2013 9:50

It reminds me of Scrubs where they have an "ass box" with all the things they removed from people's ass holes :D They also brainstorm extensively on how to remove a lightbulb without breaking it