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Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

by HomelessGirl1 / 05/21/2012 at 1:28am / United States (Nevada) / Work

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

by Username / 05/17/2012 at 10:37am / Australia / Health

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2016 at 12:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

by peacexout108 / 11/08/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I had my first accident in 5 years of driving. I clipped a Ford Fiesta, mirror to mirror. His mirror is totally destroyed. Mine is fine. I was so stressed afterwards that I reversed straight into another car. FML

by Arcam / 09/13/2012 at 1:25pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Money

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

by afraidofcans / 10/23/2012 at 12:01pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

by brit / 02/11/2010 at 12:13am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2015 at 4:06am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boss interviewed a prospective employee, my ex-girlfriend. My psycho ex, a kleptomaniac, thinks she's qualified to be a Security Guard. Her background check agrees. FML

by wandering_soul / 09/23/2015 at 2:44pm / United States / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

by yourekillingme / 02/18/2016 at 11:12pm / United States (Kansas) / Health

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

by KamiAzaaaaaa / 12/11/2015 at 11:34am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Money

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

by sarahh38 / 09/16/2009 at 2:23pm / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2015 at 12:37am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous