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Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2013 at 2:16pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 7:03am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to meet a guy that i had already started to be involved with at a bar. We laughed, kissed and had a great time, until he admitted he was just doing all of this to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Guess who was waiting for me outside. FML

by ThankYou! / 12/22/2015 at 12:50am / Canada (Manitoba) / Love

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

by anonya / 08/28/2012 at 12:43am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2015 at 12:41pm / United Kingdom (Sunderland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2016 at 9:21pm / Canada (Quebec) / Kids

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2015 at 12:11pm / Germany / Health

Today, my sister offered me a couple doughnuts she bought recently. Thinking she was just being nice, I went ahead and started eating, and was met with the most horrid taste I've ever experienced. Turns out her "recently" was two weeks ago. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2015 at 5:18pm / United Kingdom (Plymouth) / Miscellaneous

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2015 at 5:11am / United Kingdom / Animals

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

by whyme / 02/07/2012 at 1:38am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried being rebellious for the first time in my life by sneaking out past my curfew. I decided to use my bedroom window to stealthily leave the house. I ended up twisting my ankle when I tried to make my "grand" escape. FML

by thatsureshowedme / 11/08/2014 at 3:33pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health

Today, I reached into my pocket and found my mom's car keys. I'm a four hour drive away, and she obviously can't come to pick them up. FML

by DriveMeNot / 10/26/2010 at 8:02pm / United States (Indiana) / Transportation